Three years ago today, I was in Gainesville in preterm labor with Harper. I can't believe that was three years ago. Yet, I remember it all like it was yesterday. I remember the desperation I felt as things seemed to get worse, the labor only progressing. I remember the devastation I felt as I realized it was over and there was nothing that could be done to help Harper. Devastated doesn't even seem to be the right word for the moment I realized I wouldn't be bringing this baby home either. I remember the uneasiness I felt when I realized that Harper passed away on my mama's birthday-uneasy because that day would always hurt now. And I was right. October 18-Harper's earthly birthday, October 19-Harper's Heavenly birthday. Both days hurt, every year.
I saw a little boy today who was born around the same time as Harper. Makes me catch my breath everytime...I can't shake the thought that he should be here, that size already. That I should have 3 years and 8 months old Jonah and 3 year old Harper here with us. That I should have two little boys here, loving on their baby sister.
So while today was a beautiful, perfect fall day, it really wasn't very perfect at all because Harper was missing from it. There was no birthday cake and giggles, no sloppy wet kisses and smiles. And tomorrow will be the same.
Oh Harper...you are so very loved and so very missed every second of the day, my sweet boy...Selfishly I wish you and Jonah were here in our arms. That would be a perfect day.