There are things we see, things we feel, things we experience in this life that forever change us, no matter how much we might have wanted to stay the same as we were before. No matter how much others might have wanted us to stay the same as we once were. And, honestly, I find myself just at a loss sometimes. I mean, what do people really think life is supposed to look like after holding your dead and dying babies in your arms? Do people really expect us to walk through this life, like nothing happened at all? I really don't get how some people think.
Me and Aaron have trusted God. We do trust God. We have poured our hearts and souls out to God, crying for mercy, begging for relief that simply can't be found this side of Heaven. God has walked with us and He continues to walk right beside us, and even before us. And, He knows our hearts. He knows that we are trusting in Him no matter how hard it is to reconcile holding dead and dying babies in our arms. He has always known that we would stumble down this path that we must tread. And, He has never once left us or told us we need to be the old versions of ourselves, back before our babies came and went and life as we knew it was forever thrown into question.
I feel as if I'm rambling now, not making the point I set out to make....or making any point at all...
I think Angie Smith says it better than anyone else, when talking about living without her daughter, Audrey:
"I cling to the fact that Audrey is in her eternal home, enjoying the favor of her Savior, completely at peace with Him as her Father. I believe it, but I can't honestly say that it always comforts me the way I wish it would. I say that because I know that some of you who are reading are in the same place I am. I know you long to drop a weight off your back and carry on with life in complete joy, never doubting that everything will be set right one day. It's not easy, and I would be lying if I said that when I sit in my sewing room stairing at the bloodstains on the collar of her little dress, I am immediately filled with peace because I know where she is. I am not. I want her to be here with me, and on many nights that truth has failed to fill the void. I have beaten myself up many times, wondering why I was moping around when she was perfectly happy. What kind of Christian am I? The answer is pretty simple actually. One who is human. We aren't going to feel whole in this life, and we will long for something we don't have. Something that will fill the nagging void that intermittently stings and knocks us to our knees. And all the while, Satan taunts us, telling us our faith is small. To hurt so deeply is a sign that we live in a fallen world, not that we serve a small God. To love Him in spite of our pain is a gift He freely gives to those who will accept it." - p. 173, from I Will Carry You by Angie Smith
"The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the faithful love of The Lord never ends! His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, 'the Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!' The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from The Lord. And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline: Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord's demands. Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last. Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. For no one is abandoned by The Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion because of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." Lamentations 3:19-33 (NLT)
My God is SO mighty that He can use this messy, messy life that we are living to point back to His great faithfulness...SO mighty that He can make sense out of all of the confusion and complexities that come with burying our babies and trying to live in spite of it. Please continue to pray that we will not lose sight of God's faithfulness, especially on the hardest days.