Life Looks So Different

I have been so sad the past couple of days. I have cried harder than I have in awhile. I am trusting God with Everley, but then again, I trusted God with Jonah and Harper, too. Trusting God does not somehow make me exempt from losing Everley. That's what is so hard for people to understand. I truly am doing the best I can. My faith does not mean I won't suffer or that I won't be sad or that I won't have moments in which I struggle to breathe. 

I miss Jonah and Harper so terribly. No pregnancy or birth after them will ever close up this gaping hole in my heart. No baby in my arms will ever make the longing for Jonah and Harper in my arms go away. Life looks so different without them. Things that others would never dream could hurt me or stop me dead in my tracks do just that. Some words and actions leave me gasping for breath through the tears that are choking me out. People don't have to say it but they leave me with the impression that since I've had surgery, we've found the problem and I'm pregnant now, well that fixes everything. Oh God, how I wish it could! 

Things are awkward. People don't mention Jonah or Harper because they don't want to upset me. Do you know what upsets me? The fact that if I utter their names, people start squirming uncomfortably. I know people don't know what to say to me or to Aaron and they don't know what to do around us. But do they think about how it feels to be us? We stuggle to make it through the day a lot of times. We struggle to reconcile the little joys of life with the extreme ache we feel in every moment. Every moment is so bittersweet. We don't know what to do or say around people.

Christmas is here and so are the gatherings with family and friends. In every get-together I am reminded that Jonah and Harper are missing. And I feel that no one else notices besides Aaron. I see Aaron playing with kids because he can choke it back far better than I can, and I see those kids light up because Aaron is so fun. And then I always feel the heat flood my cheeks and the tears that start to fill my eyes as I think about how much fun Jonah and Harper would've had with Aaron. And I just can't shake the sadness. It will never be easy to live without them here. It will always be complicated. It will always hover over every part of our life. And I wish I could be sorry for other people that this upsets, but I'm not. I'm not sorry that we've changed. I'm not sorry that loving and missing them means I can't do other things. Great love changes you. Children change you and even the relationships you have, whether your children are playing in the next room or sitting at the feet of Jesus waiting to see you again. We are forever changed and forever...just not the same. 

We are hopeful that Everley will get to come home. We are trusting God. We know that Everley will bring us so much joy amidst the pain. But that is exactly what it will be: joy amidst pain. She will make us smile and laugh and wonder how we ever lived without her. She will bring light and laughter back into our home. But we will also always be sad that she won't have her big brothers here to love on her and play with her. We will always be sad that our three babies won't get to share the experience of growing up together in a home where they were each prayed for and loved so deeply. 

Living between Heaven and Earth is exhausting. Especially when we are the only ones that notice. 

You Don't Want To Skip This Post

When surgery on my uterus was first mentioned, Dr. Duffy told us that it could take up to six months until he would be ready to release us to try again. It all depended on how the surgery went and how quickly and how well I would heal. So, I had surgery in May and it was rough. But when I woke up from surgery, Dr. Duffy was so proud of how well the surgery went, even though it took much longer than he had anticipated. 

We went back about five weeks later for a saline sonogram to see how my uterus was healing. Dr. Duffy was still so proud of how everything had went and he was even more excited by how well my uterus was healing. We left that day having been told that after three more normal monthly cycles, we could start trying again. We were kind of shocked. We decided then that we would not breathe a word about this to anyone because we knew how hard the coming months would probably be. And we were right. They have been hard and they have been filled with anticipation, fear, sadness, longing and even doubt. But these weeks have not been without hope.

When we first found out we were pregnant, my progesterone levels were low so Dr. Duffy put me on progesterone twice a day to help with my levels, to help sustain the pregnancy. After my first pregnancy visit with Dr. Duffy, I began to bleed and I began to panic. I was then placed on Estradiol twice a day to help with that. It was a rollercoaster of emotions!

But here we are today and we are filled with so much joy to know that we are expecting a miracle, a blessing from God. Miss Everley Carolina Willis is expected to arrive in May 2015. We hope that people will understand why we have been cautious in telling of our news. We have learned that no pregnancy, no matter how far along, is a guarantee. We are excited but we are also nervous. We want to bring sweet Everley home so very badly. Please continue to pray for us. We are going to a maternal fetal medicine specialist next week and we would appreciate your prayers. Please pray that Everley is healthy and that my uterus is doing exactly what a normal uterus should. 

I cannot begin to tell you what it is like feeling some movements already, knowing that there was a time not so long ago when we were told I would never be able to be pregnant again. We are so thankful to our Heavenly Father for leading us to Dr. Duffy and for blessing us with another child. Our hearts are full knowing that God saw fit to bless us with three precious babies, Jonah, Harper and now Everley. Oh, how He loves us!

Bittersweet Weekend

When I was pregnant with Harper, I was anxious all the time. I held my breath everyday and at night as I laid in bed, I would exhale just a little as I realized I had made it another day. Aaron, being the amazing man that he is, decided at some point that I needed encouragement to help me through the long, stressful days. So, each day he put a blue post-it note with a Bible verse on it inside the cabinet in our bathroom that holds all the things I need in the mornings when I am getting ready for work. I never have taken those post-it notes down.

This was the verse on the post-it note on October 18, 2012, the day I went into pre-term labor and delivered Harper at 21 weeks and 2 days:

Hard to rejoice on such a bittersweet day, or the day that follows. Sweet because Harper is my child and yesterday was his birthday and I held him on that day two years ago. Sweet because I know where he is and I know I will be with him again one day. Bitter because on October 19, 2012, a few short hours after his birth, Harper died. Bitter because I wish he was here and I wish I was recovering from his birthday party right now. Bitter because no one speaks Harper's name. No one speaks Jonah's either. It is bad enough that to hear their names, me or Aaron have to say them, otherwise they are never mentioned. That hurts. Combined with the fact that they are gone and we are here...that really hurts. 

Losing a child is not like any other loss, and I think I'm pretty qualified to say that. It turns your world upside down, but no one else's. You think about your child(ren) every second of the day for your whole life, but they never seem to cross anyone else's mind. Man that hurts.

Makes me hold them even closer to my heart. 

Dreary Day

I don't know if it's this dreary weather or the fact that Harper's birthday is quickly approaching, but I am missing Jonah and Harper extra today. And I'm not just missing the thought of them. I am missing the way they felt in my arms, like they belonged there...because they did. I am missing their precious features and tiny hands. The time we got to hold them was so short, yet I can't get those moments out of my head.

I'm Still Here

I'm still here, just in case you all were wondering. Nothing new to report, just trying to be patient as my body gets back on track. Ten days ago I thought my Sarcoidosis was flaring up for the first time in about two years but I was actually diagnosed with pneumonia...go figure. I have been on a high dose of prednisone and a strong antibiotic, hoping this will clear up the pneumonia. Other than that, I am doing well, taking things one day at a time....trying, like I said, to be patient.....the hardest part because if I am anything at all, impatient is it. Some days it seems like time is standing still. We still appreciate all of your prayers as we wait. Prayers as each day without Jonah and Harper is still hard and still hurts.

And while I'm thinking about it, I have been so amazed lately at the amount of people that have come to me and Aaron to share with us their own loss(es). It serves to remind me that there are so many people that are affected by miscarriage, stillbirth, childloss, etc. There are so many people hurting and we may have no clue. I just want to leave you with that thought today. As you post on social media and converse with people on a daily basis, I hope that you will keep it in your mind that some people are silent about their struggles, especially with infertility, childloss, stillbirth, miscarriage....and it goes a long way when we are sensitive to others around us. You never know what someone is dealing with. You never know how your words, innocent as they may be, can sting. 

A Huge Prayer Request

See this little guy? Bingo showed up at the beginning of last year. We blew up Facebook trying to find him a home. Turns out, he is right at home between me and Aaron in the bed, in the little space that Ruby leaves him. Over the past year, Bingo has really tried our patience. Everyday for like, the whole past year, Bingo has found some way to squeeze his little self out of our fence. And almost every.single.time he would travel down the road to the same house.

So, Bingo is how me and Aaron came to know who Jay and Jo-Jo Roland are. The Roland Family lives in the house that Bingo used to visit on a daily basis. I recently learned that Jo-Jo went to the hospital the Wednesday following Easter to have a scope procedure done to look around because of some stomach issues Jo-Jo was having. Her stomach was full of food, because her body apparently wasn't digesting food like it is supposed to, and this caused her to aspirate when they ran the scope. Jo-Jo spent three weeks in a coma and about two weeks ago, they were able to take her completely off of the ventilator. Her family moved her to a long term care facility a little over a week ago. Jo-Jo has a very long road of recovery ahead of her. Since learning about what has happened, I have been extremely burdened for the Roland Family. I cannot get them out of my mind and I find myself constantly asking God for mercy on this family and asking for complete healing for Jo-Jo. 

This afternoon I was thinking about this family, about how Bingo used to always travel down the road to their house and how Bingo hasn't tried to get out of our yard in roughly two months...and I immediately thought about this blog. I have seen what your prayers and generosity can do, firsthand. That is why I am blogging about the Roland Family here tonight. They so desperately need our prayers and support. I cannot for the life of me wrap my head around what they are going through. Jay and Jo-Jo have two daughters. I cannot imagine how they must feel, how Jay must feel. From what I understand, Jay is working, taking care of his daughters and checking on his wife several times a day. I know he could use our prayers for strength.

Some friends of the Roland Family have started a Go Fund Me account to raise money to help out with expenses, bills and any other needs that need meeting for Jo-Jo and her family. If you can help in any way possible, I hope that you will. Here is the link to the Go Fund Me page: http://www.gofundme.com/apsknk. If you are not able to help at this time, please pray for the Roland Family and share this post to get the word out.

Jo-Jo's sister has also started selling "Pray for Jo-Jo" t-shirts. The shirts are available in both youth and adult sizes, for men and women. For men, the shirts are available in Royal Blue and Navy Blue. For women, the shirts are available in Ocean Blue and Violet. If you would like to order a shirt, please feel free to message me on Facebook or email me through this blog and I will get the information to the proper channels. Shirts are $15.00 each.

I have also heard that some ladies in town who do couponing are collecting staple items for the family. If you have any staple items or groceries that you would like to donate to the family, you can drop those items off at The Kirbo Law Firm here in Moultrie, Georgia. 

I do not know Jay and Jo-Jo very well, we are acquaintances really, all because of little Bingo...and I am in no way speaking for the family, although I did make sure it was okay before posting this. I just know that we can help the Roland Family. So many people read this blog and share it and have prayed for us and continue to do so. So, I know that you will also pray for this family in their time of great need.  And I know that if you were so willing to help me and Aaron, you will do the same for the Roland Family.   

 

Surgery

I had surgery a few weeks ago to correct my septated uterus. Dr. Duffy had told me that the only way to be sure that my uterus was septated and not bicornuate would be to have the laparoscopic/hysteroscopic surgery. And thankfully, my uterus was indeed septated. Dr. Duffy removed 90-95% of the septum and he also removed some endometriosis while he was in there. For different reasons, my surgery lasted about three and a half hours instead of 45 minutes like we thought. So, I felt rough for a solid two weeks. Dr. Duffy left a balloon catheter in my uterus for four days following surgery, to help make sure my uterus started to heal up properly and once it was removed I felt a little better but I honestly felt sore, drained, crampy and bloated for two weeks. 

I went back to Dr. Duffy recently for a checkup and everything looks really good via ultrasound. But, this is just the first step. I have been on lots of estrogen since the surgery and after my appointment Dr. Duffy also put me on progesterone for a little while. After all of this medicine is over, I will be on birth control for several months as my body adjusts and gets back to a normal cycle. We have quite a bit ahead of us before we can try for a baby, but I still can't believe that it is possible. Please pray that my body continues to heal and that God will prepare me me and Aaron for whatever lies ahead. Also, if anyone who reads this blog (even if it is 10 years from now) ever has any questions about the surgery and all, please message me or email me and I will gladly answer any questions I can. One of the purposes of this blog is to help others who may find themselves in a similar situation and there is not much information out there, believe me, I've searched!

I'm so thankful the surgery is behind me and I am so very thankful that God led me to Dr. Duffy! 

May 4

Fabric swatches from Jonah's bedding

May 4 was my due date with Jonah. And I am positive that no matter how many years pass by, that is the first thing that will come to my mind when I hear or see the date of May 4. It will always be the day that my Jonah was supposed to be in my arms. On May 4, 2012, Jonah had long been in the arms of The Lord, for three months to be exact. May 4 is a bittersweet day knowing Jonah is In Heaven and safe and loved...but oh how my arms ache on days like today.

What Is Next

So, I went a couple weeks ago to Jacksonville and had a Saline Sonogram done by Dr. Duffy. He wanted to look for himself at my uterus and he told me that this type of ultrasound would tell us much more than just a regular ultrasound. During the procedure, Dr. Duffy showed me, after looking for quite a while, that it appears to him as if my uterus is septated. He then looked at the images from the MRI that I had done in 2012 with me and Aaron and he showed us on those images why he thinks my uterus is septated and not bicornuate.

If you are confused, maybe this will help: If my uterus is bicornuate, the surgery to correct it is controversial at best and it will still not make it to where I can carry a pregnancy on my own, which is why we have been pursuing IVF with a gestational carrier, Kristi. We were doing this because this was the only way we could have our own child since surgery was not going to help. If my uterus is actually septated, this changes everything. Surgery to correct a septated uterus is done laparoscopically and vaginally so it is not as invasive. So, recovery is quicker and surgery is not quite as scary. On top of that, correcting my uterus (if it is septated) will make it possible for me to carry my own child and change my pregnancy outcomes to that of a normal 27 year old woman with a normal uterus. Like I said, this could change everything.

These days, from what Dr. Duffy has told me, 3D ultrasound is considered the gold standard when trying to distinguish between a bicornuate uterus and a septated uterus. The clinic I go to does not have the 3D equipment to do a 3D ultrasound though. But, Dr. Duffy was trying out the equipment in his office last week with the help of some sonographers and he invited me to come so that he could get a really good look at my uterus. So, me and Aaron went and Dr. Duffy was so thrilled with this new technology and the clarity the pictures provided. After the 3D ultrasound Dr. Duffy is certain that my uterus is septated, not bicornuate. And all hope is not lost.

I will be having surgery to correct my septated uterus. We are still working on the details of when. I have wrestled with thoughts of how all of this will sound to people. I have wrestled with thoughts about all that people have done for us and given to us so that we could do IVF four times with Kristi. But I have come to this conclusion: not one bit of any of it has been a waste. Not one dime. Not one minute of this IVF journey. We have met so many people and shared our story of hope and longing with so.many.people. We have seen over and over how much people care about us and every bit of help we have received has blessed our hearts and helped us get to this point. We have gotten to know all the nurses and lab techs at the FIRM in Jacksonville. They have all watched us smile through the tears and the hurt over this past year and I hope that the way we have lived out all of this, thus far, has done nothing short of point them to Jesus Christ and the hope that only He can give. We have gotten to know Eric and Kristi and their beautiful family over the past year and we are so grateful for this friendship. We will always be grateful for how Kristi has sacrificed so much over the last year to help us.  Kristi holds a special place in our hearts, and she will forever.

We are being cautiously optimistic. We are looking forward to surgery because of the hope it brings, but it will be no walk in the park. We do not know how long the healing process will take, as we are still sorting through all of the information and scheduling the surgery. So, we don't know when we will be able to start trying on our own to get pregnant. Typing this makes my heart skip a beat and sink at the same time. I never thought I would be able to try to get pregnant again. And while it is amazing to hear, it is terrifying. 

So, please keep praying for us. Please pray for Dr. Duffy as he will be doing my surgery. Please pray for me and Aaron because the days are long and too much sometimes, even despite the encouraging news of a septated uterus instead of a bicornuate one. 

What a journey this is.

Our Fourth Attempt at IVF

Some of you may remember that after our third round of IVF, I posted the results and that, because of God's provisions for us, we were still not done trying IVF with our gestational carrier, Kristi. We began our fourth and last fresh IVF cycle at the end of February. I was monitored during this round by Dr. Daniel Duffy. The doctor I have seen throughout the whole past year was in a boating accident. During my third IVF cycle, I saw all of the doctors in the practice but Dr. Duffy did my retrieval and the transfer.

Anyways, back to the fourth cycle. Dr. Duffy put me on Omnitrope which is a form of human growth hormone, as well as the maximum dose of all the other meds I normally take during an IVF cycle (Bravelle, Menopur and Cetrotide). The Omnitrope was supposed to make the eggs that I produced much better quality and Dr. Duffy has seen great results with adding it to women's IVF cycles. I also took a prenatal vitamin, OvaVite, that also has COQ10 because that is supposed to help with egg quality as well. Things seemed to be going really well. On my first monitoring appointment, I had seven follicles and then at my next appointment, I had fourteen! I had never had that many so I was very encouraged! 

When retrieval day came, ten eggs were retrieved, which I was happy with. I felt much worse recovering from the retrieval than I had in the past at all of my other retrievals but one of the nurses told me that the growth hormone was probably to blame. The office always calls me 48 hours after the retrieval to let me know how many embryos have formed and how they look. They called and told me that there were six embryos that were good and a few of those six were mediocre looking. They also said there were two more that they were watching in the lab that weren't progressing as well. I was SO encouraged by those six embryos.

Dr. Duffy decided to do a three-day transfer. So, me and Kristi and my Mama went down for the transfer. Me and Kristi met with Dr. Duffy before the procedure and he let us know that of the six embryos, we now only had three that survived. I fought the urge to panic and told Dr. Duffy that we would transfer all three then. Dr. Duffy was super nice, as he always is, and let me stay in the room for the transfer. We went home hopeful and nervous.

We found out the results on March 27. Suzanne, the nurse who always calls to give the results, got to call us one more time to tell us that once again, our blood pregnancy test was negative. We were so devastated and discouraged....and I just remember feeling so absolutely defeated. I cried and cried. And cried some more. I just could not believe that I held two of our babies in my hands and went through a year of IVF, filled with heartache and disappointment of its own, and I involved a sweet friend, Kristi....all to come out right where we started: with empty arms. I couldn't believe that after all that Kristi put her body through, for us, she couldn't even have the satisfaction of doing what she set out to do, carry our child. I couldn't believe that after all the many ways that people have reached out to us and gave of their time, money and efforts to help us even be able to do IVF that we were still left empty-handed. 

So, I was sad and discouraged and heartbroken and confused and so desperate. I called about an hour later and scheduled my follow-up phone consultation with Dr. Duffy, because they always do follow-ups if your cycle doesn't work. I got an appointment for April 7. Thursday afternoon, for some reason, all I could think about was my uterus. I could not get it off of my mind. My mind kept wondering back to the MRI report. I had to talk to Dr. Duffy. And I had to talk to him before April 7. I called Jacksonville and asked for Patti, a really sweet nurse who has been with us on this long journey. I left her a message that I am sure sounded insane! I mean, I was blubbering through most of the message telling her that "I know April 7 isn't that far away but to me it seems like an eternity," and all kinds of other things. Anyways, much to my surprise, she called this crazy psycho back. Patti was able to squeeze my phone consultation in with Dr. Duffy on the following Monday, March 31. I was SO very glad that I didn't have to wait almost two weeks.

When I spoke with Dr. Duffy, I explained to him everything that has happened in the past 2 years. I told him about Jonah, about everything in between Jonah and getting pregnant with Harper. I told him about Harper and how I wound up at Shands and how I went into preterm labor with Harper. I told him how I wound up at the F.I.R.M. and how the doctor I was seeing wanted me to have an MRI. I told him how I had the MRI done in Moultrie, my hometown, because it was just easier and I could get an appointment sooner than in Thomasville or Jacksonville. I told him about how I just keep thinking about my uterus and how the MRI report was sent to My doctor, not the images from the MRI. I told him how I thought I took a copy of the MRI on a disc to my previous doctor at my next appointment after my MRI so that he could have a copy to look at for himself. The radiologist in Moultrie read my MRI and said in the report that my uterus was bicornuate. And I honestly was starting to wonder if we have been missing something all along. Dr. Duffy was looking at my chart and listening to me and starting to wonder about my uterus himself, especially since I had no trouble at all getting pregnant with Jonah and Harper. He decided that I deserve a closer look at my uterus.

To be continued....

What Trusting God Really Looks Like

I have found since losing Jonah and Harper that the hardest part for our friends and family members to accept is that we are no longer the same as we used to be. And I guess I get it, I mean, no one likes change and to see two people that you love very much suddenly act different, it is hard. I'm sure most people think that things would be "better" and "easier" if we could just be who we once were. We were once both so carefree. We were pretty down to earth and both very sociable people. Anxiety was never something I really struggled with. Losing Jonah and Harper changed all of that. 

There are things we see, things we feel, things we experience in this life that forever change us, no matter how much we might have wanted to stay the same as we were before. No matter how much others might have wanted us to stay the same as we once were. And, honestly, I find myself just at a loss sometimes. I mean, what do people really think life is supposed to look like after holding your dead and dying babies in your arms? Do people really expect us to walk through this life, like nothing happened at all? I really don't get how some people think. 

Me and Aaron have trusted God. We do trust God. We have poured our hearts and souls out to God, crying for mercy, begging for relief that simply can't be found this side of Heaven. God has walked with us and He continues to walk right beside us, and even before us. And, He knows our hearts. He knows that we are trusting in Him no matter how hard it is to reconcile holding dead and dying babies in our arms. He has always known that we would stumble down this path that we must tread. And, He has never once left us or told us we need to be the old versions of ourselves, back before our babies came and went and life as we knew it was forever thrown into question. 

I feel as if I'm rambling now, not making the point I set out to make....or making any point at all...

I think Angie Smith says it better than anyone else, when talking about living without her daughter, Audrey:

     "I cling to the fact that Audrey is in her eternal home, enjoying the favor of her Savior, completely at peace with Him as her Father. I believe it, but I can't honestly say that it always comforts me the way I wish it would. I say that because I know that some of you who are reading are in the same place I am. I know you long to drop a weight off your back and carry on with life in complete joy, never doubting that everything will be set right one day. It's not easy, and I would be lying if I said that when I sit in my sewing room stairing at the bloodstains on the collar of her little dress, I am immediately filled with peace because I know where she is. I am not. I want her to be here with me, and on many nights that truth has failed to fill the void. I have beaten myself up many times, wondering why I was moping around when she was perfectly happy. What kind of Christian am I? The answer is pretty simple actually. One who is human. We aren't going to feel whole in this life, and we will long for something we don't have. Something that will fill the nagging void that intermittently stings and knocks us to our knees. And all the while, Satan taunts us, telling us our faith is small. To hurt so deeply is a sign that we live in a fallen world, not that we serve a small God. To love Him in spite of our pain is a gift He freely gives to those who will accept it." - p. 173, from I Will Carry You by Angie Smith

"The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the faithful love of The Lord never ends! His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, 'the Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!' The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from The Lord. And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline: Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord's demands. Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last. Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. For no one is abandoned by The Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion because of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." Lamentations 3:19-33 (NLT)

My God is SO mighty that He can use this messy, messy life that we are living to point back to His great faithfulness...SO mighty that He can make sense out of all of the confusion and complexities that come with burying our babies and trying to live in spite of it. Please continue to pray that we will not lose sight of God's faithfulness, especially on the hardest days. 

I Am

I first heard the song, "I Am" by Crowder a couple of weeks ago on the radio one afternoon. The words of the chorus have been playing in my head ever since: "I am holding on to You. In the middle of the storm, I am holding on to You."
Life is full of storms and these storms look different for each of us. I am clinging to my Father just like this song says in the midst of this never ending storm that I seem to be in the middle of. I pray that the words of this song will speak to your heart, whatever storm you may be facing.

 

 

And...your prayers are still very much needed and appreciated! If we cross your mind, please pray for us.

Bathrooms and Closed Doors

I have become all too familiar with bathrooms over the past two years. Bathrooms and closed doors. Or, at least this is the thought that ran through my mind last night when I found myself in yet another all too familiar bathroom, crying my eyes out.

Even two years later, the weight of loss that I carry gets to be too much at times. It doesn't creep up as often as it once did but, I still get overwhelmed and overcome by emotion...for no reason at all other than the fact that they are There and I am here. It is not just that we have been struggling for a year now through IVF treatments and disappointments and that we so desperately long for a child to love on this Earth, here with us, and that it has been so much harder than we ever dreamed. 

It is Jonah's 2lb. frame, his dark brown hair and precious little lips and nose. It is Harper's chest rising and falling with each breath he took and his precious little fingers that somehow grabbed my heart when I held his hand. Yes. Those little boys are what overwhelms me. Their beauty and innocence. How they are missing from every picture, every pew I sit on, every place I go and every breath I breathe. Their absence, that is what will overwhelm me forever.

The Stillness

There are moments when the absence of little ones in my home screams at me. I am always very aware, but times like tonight, the absence sits with me and doesn't want to leave. As the day winds down and I have loads of laundry going and I'm caught up on all my household chores, I am reminded that I should be doing something else. 

I should be giving my little boys baths and putting their pjs on, reading bedtime stories and getting them ready for bed...not thinking about the stillness that settles in after dinner. 

Jonah: Two Years

Happy Birthday in Heaven Jonah! I can't believe it has been two years since we held you in our arms. I remember how perfect you were, how "wonderfully made" you were (Psalm 139:14). Your face flashes in my mind constantly...you were so beautiful, Jonah...

Mama and Daddy sent up a floating lantern to you today and we watched it until it burned out. We miss you more than words can say...you and your little brother, Harper. 

Can't wait to celebrate your birthdays with you up there. I love you so much my precious Jonah...

Flowers for the Cemetery

During my senior year of high school, I took a class called Floral Design. Doc Griner taught the class and it was fun and laid back. I never realized back then how much I would use the skills I learned in that class. In fact, I never really thought I would use those skills at all. Oh, but I do now.

I've gotten pretty good at getting the right amount of flowers and other things needed for each arrangement...I never wind up short of a flower or glue stick or filler. I guess I've gotten that good. Now, picking the right flowers out at the store always bogs me down. I get overwhelmed with the fact that I am picking the "perfect" flowers for my sons' graves...and nothing is "perfect" about that. I swear everytime I feel like I could have a breakdown right there in Hobby Lobby or Michael's. Every. Single. Time.

I get really "in the zone" when I am putting together these flower arrangements. It is only when I finish them and I look at my handiwork that a wave of sadness rushes over me. Sad that the only way I can care for my boys this side of Heaven is by making arrangements for their graves. Sad that this is what I get to do in exchange for late night snuggles and early morning kisses with silly little boys who have captured my heart. Sad that no arrangement I could ever make will ever be as beautiful as the memories we would have made or the laughter we would have shared.

One More Thing

I am reading the daily devotional series at SheReadsTruth.com. This image and the words in it were part of today's devotional. I thought it kind of went hand-in-hand with my previous post. We are definitely called to love one another with "a real and costly love," as we help each other along the way to eternity in Heaven. And those special friends I was talking about in my last post....that is eaxactly what they are doing :).

                          

Special Friends Along the Way

I woke up this morning feeling like death. Really, like hacking up a lung, throat burning death. My voice has been all messed up for almost a week but today when I woke up I was feeling pretty rough. I think it is a sinus infection and I am hoping this antibiotic will clear it right up. Either way, I have been home all day snuggling with these cuties:

Sweet Ruby

Crazy Bingo

As I have snuggled with my little buddies today :), I have been thinking about a lot of things. I know I usually get on here and vent about how unfair things are and my posts are not usually the most positive things. I don't regret this fact, because I want to keep things real. But, today my post is different.

After I lost Jonah, I became friends with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Friends who have walked in my shoes...or at least shoes that look an awful lot like my own. Friends who understood how difficult it was and still is to put one foot in front of the other. Friends who knew just what to say to me because they knew the feelings of brokenness that I felt and still feel. And then I lost Harper and met a couple more beautiful people who have been in my same kind of shoes as well. These sweet friends that I have met along the way are God's way of showing me that I may suffer in this life but it is not in vain. I may feel absolutely alone and helpless, but He is there, giving me the encouragement and strength I need. And I have been surprised by how many times He uses these special friends in my life to help me along my way.

It is so easy for me to think about and post about all that has gone wrong. But I am constantly amazed by how much God has blessed me and Aaron along this journey. Precious friends who support us both near and far...even precious friends that I have never met face to face, that are willing to be obedient to God's tugs on their hearts to pray...I mean really pray...and to rally around us in many different forms. I mean, these precious friends are so amazing in so many different ways, but they don't see it that way, I know. They will never know how much they have impacted me and how much strength I draw from their testimonies and their constant encouragement.

To my very dear friends (you know who you are), I can't wait until the day that we get to see our precious children's faces in Heaven...I am so thankful that the heartache we have had to endure has brought us together...something good out of all of the hurt.

Pressing On

I went into 2013 hopeful because hope was all I had. In February 2013, we began the Invitro-fertilization process with Kristi, our gestational carrier. We had no earthly idea just how bumpy the road was going to be. Somewhere between negative pregnancy tests, methotrexate injections, hurtful things said by those that should be the most understanding of all and roughly $40,000, I started to lose all of the hope I had ever started off with.

And I find that I have already stepped into 2014. And there is still no baby in my arms or on the way. And this ache I feel deep in my chest for Jonah and Harper is only heavier. The longing to pull Heaven and Earth closer together is stronger within me than ever before.

But press on I must...and press on I will. God is not done with us in this place. And I can only praise God for this, for His provisions. I can only thank Him for showing us mercy and grace when we feel like the walls are closing in all around us.

In 2014 we all (Kristi, Eric, Aaron and myself) need your prayers to continue.  We have felt your prayers as they have given us the strength to make it through some of the hardest days. I mean...really, really hard days y'all.

Here's to 2014...one more year of longing for my boys...but hopefully the first of many with a very prayed for, already loved Baby Willis.

Abby