Bathrooms and Closed Doors

I have become all too familiar with bathrooms over the past two years. Bathrooms and closed doors. Or, at least this is the thought that ran through my mind last night when I found myself in yet another all too familiar bathroom, crying my eyes out.

Even two years later, the weight of loss that I carry gets to be too much at times. It doesn't creep up as often as it once did but, I still get overwhelmed and overcome by emotion...for no reason at all other than the fact that they are There and I am here. It is not just that we have been struggling for a year now through IVF treatments and disappointments and that we so desperately long for a child to love on this Earth, here with us, and that it has been so much harder than we ever dreamed. 

It is Jonah's 2lb. frame, his dark brown hair and precious little lips and nose. It is Harper's chest rising and falling with each breath he took and his precious little fingers that somehow grabbed my heart when I held his hand. Yes. Those little boys are what overwhelms me. Their beauty and innocence. How they are missing from every picture, every pew I sit on, every place I go and every breath I breathe. Their absence, that is what will overwhelm me forever.