Medicines & Such

I know I promised to post about my medicines last week, but it has been super crazy/busy around here! I keep my promises, even if they are late :), so here is the low down.

I am taking Bravelle and Menopur daily as an injection. These two medicines stimulate my ovaries so that my body will produce as many eggs as possible so that once it is time to harvest the eggs, we will only have to do this part once (hopefully!). To take Bravelle and Menopur, I have to mix a vial of sodium chloride with however many vials of Bravelle and Menopur that Dr. Winslow tells me to. As I go to my appointments every couple of days, Dr. Winslow tells me whether to increase the amount of medicine or decrease the amount of medicine that I am taking. It all depends on what he sees on the ultrasound. After several days of taking the Bravelle and Menopur, I started taking Cetrotide once a day as an injection also. Cetrotide delays the release of my eggs until Dr. Winslow thinks they are ready to be retrieved. This all sounds so overwhelming because...it is! But, I am so thankful that Dr. Winslow knows what he is doing!

Aaron has been giving me the injections, even though I was scared to begin with. I have never been a wuss about things before, but let me just tell you about that first injection: WOW! I had a mental break-down for sure! I was in tears and it took me probably 30 minutes to get myself psyched-up enough to let Aaron give it to me! It wasn't just the injection itself, it was the combination of the injection, why I'm even having to do this...just everything all rolled into one! But, I made it through that first injection and then I made it through the second one, not much better than the first one. These injections are not too terrible but they do burn really badly as the medicine goes in.

Aaron is a pretty good stick :). Who would have ever thought that?! He is actually my favorite shot-giver. My Mama has given me some of my injections as well but I'll be honest, it does not feel too good when she does (sorry, Mama!) because it feels like she pushes the medicine in as slow as she possibly can. Sarah has given me two injections and she did pretty good, too. I know she was pretty nervous!

A lot of people have been asking me when the retrieval is and when the transfer will be. We know that we are loved and prayed for and thought of so much and we know that so many people want this to work so that we can have a living child. We are so grateful for this! But losing Jonah and Harper has made us very aware that so many things can go wrong in a pregnancy. I mean, a healthy child is truly a miracle. So, we have decided not to share with others when the retrieval or the transfer will be, we are not 100% sure when these two events will be anyways. We do plan on sharing with everyone what happens eventually, just not immediately. We do this to protect our sanity, so we hope that people will understand our hearts. When the time is appropriate, we will fill everyone in. We ask that people would please not try to pick us for information. This means me and Aaron, our families, Kristi and her family, close friends, etc. We need some element of privacy in all of this because if we do get pregnant, while it will be a happy time, it will also be a scary time for me and Aaron, this is simply what losing two babies will do to you. And if we do not get pregnant, we will be disappointed and I am sure that people could understand our need for privacy.

The process is still on-going so we hope that you will all keep praying us through this! There are many more things that still have to take place!   

IVF Start Day

Yesterday was our IVF start day and I had every intention of blogging about the day last night. But, by the time I got home I wanted nothing more than to take a long, hot bath to wash away the awful day that I had, so that is what I did.

My appointment in Jacksonville yesterday was at 9:45am. Aaron and I got up and left our house around 6:45am. Aaron drove and I rode in the passenger seat. Once we got to Valdosta, we stopped at Starbucks for breakfast and then we continued on our journey. The first thing that went wrong was my cake pop. I cannot resist the Salted Caramel cake pops from Starbucks! So, when I saw that they had them yesterday morning (because they don't always!) I had to get one. I ate it in the car and I enjoyed every minute of it :). Then, probably 30 minutes later, I noticed that I had dropped some cake pop on my pants and smeared it in, not knowing it was there. That made me mad! Here it was IVF start day and I was going to see Dr. Winslow with cake pop smeared jeans. Of course. But, thanks to some wipes I had in my car, I was able to get the smear off of my pants, so my meltdown was over.

The whole cake pop fiasco happened and then I decided to text Kristi (my gestational carrier) or text her back, I can't remember which one it was. So, I have my head propped-up on the top of my passenger side door and I am texting away, oblivious to anything around me. Aaron has been working a lot these days. He gets up every single morning at 5:45am and sometimes he doesn't get home until after 7:00pm. He stays worried about the store that he manages. When he is not there, say on IVF start day, he is worried about the store and his workers because anything that goes on in the day-to-day operations reflects on him, whether he is there or not. Add in there that me and Aaron are both so physically and mentally exhausted because of everything that has happened in the past year, and that leaves you with some pretty wore-out people. When your mind is constantly reeling, thinking about everything that has happened and everything that we have to do in order to have a baby one day, it really can wear you out mentally.

So, back to where I was. I was texting away to Kristi with my head propped on the passenger door. Aaron and I had just been talking about my stupid cake pop just a moment before. Next thing I know, I hear a crash right at my head. Aaron had dozed off for just one second behind the wheel and drifted over the line. We ran into the side of a box truck. I was absolutely hysterical! I was so upset and crying so hard I felt like I was going to vomit. Aaron was just in complete shock and he was pretty upset that he had upset me so much. We pulled over to the side of the road (all the while I am extremely worked-up) and Aaron got out to speak with the guy we ran into. The man was so nice, his truck was not hurt in any way and he was just glad everyone was okay. Aaron gave him his name and number in case he needed to get in touch with him if there were any problems and we called Robbie, our State Farm Insurance agent. My car was still driveable. The passenger side door was messed up, the side mirror and door handle had been ripped off, there was a huge gash in the side of the door/the fender area, and the door and window just wouldn't even open. We are so blessed to still be alive and so blessed that it wasn't worse. It could have been so much worse than it was.

We continued on to my doctor's appointment, even though I was an emotional wreck! I was already nervous about this appointment so when we had our fender-bender, it did not help me at all. We made it to our appointment on time and waited for awhile. Once they called us back, they did bloodwork on me, to check my hormone levels. If your hormone levels are too high, they will not want to start you on the medicines yet, so this is why they do bloodwork at this visit. The sweet girls in the lab accidentally drew Aaron's blood and made him give a urine sample. He has to do this closer to the date of the actual embryo transfer so it was just a waste. Poor guy!

Next up was my vaginal ultrasound with Dr. Winslow. The reason he does this is to look at my ovaries and make sure that there aren't any cysts or anything else going on that he should be aware of. If there is anything going on, he would not want me to start the medicines until things were quiet in my ovaries. But, everything looked great so I was given the go-ahead. We met with Nan, the IVF Coordinator, to go over how to administer the injections one more time and then my appointment was over.

We headed back to Moultrie, wide-awake, and we went straight to Enterprise to pick up a rental car and then we dropped my wrecked car off at Robert Hutson Paint & Body. When we finally got home, I just sat on the couch thinking about the day until it was time for my first injection. I was SO nervous! I will post a blog later on this week to tell you all about the injections.

So, we have "officially" started IVF! It was a whirlwind of a day that's for sure! Despite everything that happened and how mad and sad and nervous I was about the wreck and the actual appointment, I feel the prayers! I have asked you all to specifically pray for me and Aaron's relationship because this whole process as well as living with the loss of our boys is stressful on our marriage. Through the wreck we had, the appointment and Aaron giving me my first injection, I have seen just how much Aaron cares for me and how much he is worried about me.  Poor Aaron felt so bad about dozing off and crossing the line. And then, to see me struggle when it was time for the first injection (more on this later), I think it has been a little too much for him. Aaron worries about me, about all the things that has to take place with my body for the IVF and about how losing Jonah and Harper has affected me. I know it is not easy for him to watch me go through all of these awful things, that involve my body, knowing there isn't anything he can do. Please believe me when I say that I could have never found another man like Aaron Willis :). It is because of this deep love we have for one another that we wanted a child to begin with.

   

Keeping It Real

I tend to always think that people know everything about my situation, but I am quickly reminded from day-to-day that people do not know quite as much as I think. For example, I tend to think people realize that I have all kinds of anxieties or issues, if you will, but people do not.

At the hospital after we had Jonah, Aaron and I prayed and we did our best to trust God and to let Him guide us through the worst. And in the hospital, even though this was the place where I said hello and goodbye to my precious child, I felt safe there. Nothing could have prepared me for the "real world" at all. People surrounded us and did what they could once we got home, but I was falling apart inside. To be honest, I still am at times. I found myself wrestling with a million thoughts. Where did we go from here? How could I ever dream of being pregnant and sane ever again? How in the world was I sitting here, no longer pregnant and not holding my living, breathing child in my arms? Having lost my Daddy at the age of 15, I knew that bad things happen. And, I knew that I had to use Jonah's life and death to glorify God...but that is so much easier to type than it is to actually practice. Nothing in this life could have ever prepared me enough for what life is like after losing my two boys...nothing.

After Jonah, I found it hard to be in public places. I felt that everyone was staring at us, me especially, because they felt pity for us or they were being nosy and trying to figure out how we were handling things. The stares literally made me feel sick to my stomach at times. For probably three months after everything happened, I did not go out and about in Moultrie besides the YMCA, work and church. At work, I would hurry to the bathroom to have a good cry several times a day. Sometimes I would pull up at the YMCA and simply back out and go home in tears. At church, I would sit in the pew, fighting back tears, silent.

When we found out we were pregnant with Harper, we were scared. I had no idea how I was going to make it through another pregnancy without completely losing my mind. But, by the grace of God, we let ourselves hope, just a tad. And then we found out about my uterus. So, we kept it quiet for 15 weeks and we prayed and prayed that God would keep Harper strong. And God did that. Harper was so strong. I cannot begin to tell you what goes through your mind when you are loosing your second child. What sticks out the most is how I remember thinking that this was it, Harper was our only chance of having a baby and now he wouldn't make it either. We came home, back to the "real world" once more. It was just as hard as the first time.

I say all of this to say, I still have bad moments, days and even weeks and it has been 405 days since I held Jonah and it has been 146 days since I held Harper. I am human. We live our lives knowing that we will bury our parents and grandparents, but there is nothing natural about burying your child, or both of your children for that matter. Even though I know that Jonah and Harper are in Heaven and they will never have to suffer, it rips my heart into a million pieces to know that I am separated from them for now. I know people may see me smiling and laughing and think that I am doing just fine but I am not always. I still pull into a parking lot and feel a wave of panic sweep over me, not knowing how I can fight back the tears. I still can't bring myself to sing even one line of a hymn at church. I still go in Jonah and Harper's room and find myself asking why all over again, staring at their pictures and wondering how much they would have changed by now.

I know that I will always ache for my children in Heaven, even when I finally bring a living child home. So, if you ever see me and you do not understand why I am acting so strange, please know that I am having a "moment"...my "moments" do not come as often as they used to but I know I will have "moments" for the rest of my life. I am forever changed. It will never be okay that two little boys are missing from the picture for me. It will never not sting.

But, I don't want anyone to miss this part: despite everything that has happened, despite all of the shame and anxiety and loss that I feel at times, I know that God is good and He is faithful. I know that the only way Aaron and I have come this far is because of God's mercy and grace. Honestly, it is hard for me to put-it-all-out-there on this blog. It is hard because I know that unless you've been there, it is hard to understand where I'm coming from. But if we have to suffer through life without our boys, I want it to be worth something. I want Jonah and Harper's lives, our love for them, our journey with Kristi as our gestational carrier, every injection, every trip to Jacksonville, EVERYTHING....I want it all to point others to our Savior, Jesus Christ because He is why we are here and He is the only reason why we can keep going even when our hearts are so heavy and our path is so rocky. If you miss out on this truth, then my blogging has been an epic fail.  

Appointments, Injections & Ultrasounds, Oh My!

We are getting so close to starting the IVF process! I am both excited and nervous...mostly nervous to be honest. Kristi will be starting her medicines on Monday. You can read about Kristi's medicines here.

I will hopefully start my medicines on March 18, as long as my appointment in Jacksonville goes well that day. I will be taking a mixture of Bravelle and Menopur in the form of an injection everyday for a little while. After about five to six days I will add another injection, Ganirelix. I will then be taking two injections per day until the egg retrieval. And in case you are wondering, Aaron will be giving the injections to me. Please pray that this goes smoothly for both of us :).

All of my medicines, needles and syringes

I should also point out that these injections have side effects. I may not be the nicest person (more so). Please pray for Aaron as we go through this and please pray that I will not be too moody, I have enough emotional highs and lows as it is! God bless Aaron for putting up with me sometimes! It has been and continues to be tough I am sure.

I plan on taking it easy and being gentle with myself while I am on the injections. The doctor instructed me that I do not need to exercise much, no more than a brisk walk while I am building up my egg supply.

After the 18, I will have to go to Jacksonville every three to four days for an ultrasound. This will be how Dr.Winslow monitors my progress and this is how he will decide if my medicine needs to be increased or decreased. It will be a very busy and stressful few weeks but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Please continue to pray for us all. Please specifically pray for Me and Kristi as we take our medicines, that neither one if us will be too moody, or any other side effect. Please pray for Aaron and Eric, that they would love their wives right on through it all :).

One more thing: I want you all to see how much medicine poor Aaron has to take. I don't know how he is going to do it!