At the hospital after we had Jonah, Aaron and I prayed and we did our best to trust God and to let Him guide us through the worst. And in the hospital, even though this was the place where I said hello and goodbye to my precious child, I felt safe there. Nothing could have prepared me for the "real world" at all. People surrounded us and did what they could once we got home, but I was falling apart inside. To be honest, I still am at times. I found myself wrestling with a million thoughts. Where did we go from here? How could I ever dream of being pregnant and sane ever again? How in the world was I sitting here, no longer pregnant and not holding my living, breathing child in my arms? Having lost my Daddy at the age of 15, I knew that bad things happen. And, I knew that I had to use Jonah's life and death to glorify God...but that is so much easier to type than it is to actually practice. Nothing in this life could have ever prepared me enough for what life is like after losing my two boys...nothing.
After Jonah, I found it hard to be in public places. I felt that everyone was staring at us, me especially, because they felt pity for us or they were being nosy and trying to figure out how we were handling things. The stares literally made me feel sick to my stomach at times. For probably three months after everything happened, I did not go out and about in Moultrie besides the YMCA, work and church. At work, I would hurry to the bathroom to have a good cry several times a day. Sometimes I would pull up at the YMCA and simply back out and go home in tears. At church, I would sit in the pew, fighting back tears, silent.
When we found out we were pregnant with Harper, we were scared. I had no idea how I was going to make it through another pregnancy without completely losing my mind. But, by the grace of God, we let ourselves hope, just a tad. And then we found out about my uterus. So, we kept it quiet for 15 weeks and we prayed and prayed that God would keep Harper strong. And God did that. Harper was so strong. I cannot begin to tell you what goes through your mind when you are loosing your second child. What sticks out the most is how I remember thinking that this was it, Harper was our only chance of having a baby and now he wouldn't make it either. We came home, back to the "real world" once more. It was just as hard as the first time.
I say all of this to say, I still have bad moments, days and even weeks and it has been 405 days since I held Jonah and it has been 146 days since I held Harper. I am human. We live our lives knowing that we will bury our parents and grandparents, but there is nothing natural about burying your child, or both of your children for that matter. Even though I know that Jonah and Harper are in Heaven and they will never have to suffer, it rips my heart into a million pieces to know that I am separated from them for now. I know people may see me smiling and laughing and think that I am doing just fine but I am not always. I still pull into a parking lot and feel a wave of panic sweep over me, not knowing how I can fight back the tears. I still can't bring myself to sing even one line of a hymn at church. I still go in Jonah and Harper's room and find myself asking why all over again, staring at their pictures and wondering how much they would have changed by now.
I know that I will always ache for my children in Heaven, even when I finally bring a living child home. So, if you ever see me and you do not understand why I am acting so strange, please know that I am having a "moment"...my "moments" do not come as often as they used to but I know I will have "moments" for the rest of my life. I am forever changed. It will never be okay that two little boys are missing from the picture for me. It will never not sting.
But, I don't want anyone to miss this part: despite everything that has happened, despite all of the shame and anxiety and loss that I feel at times, I know that God is good and He is faithful. I know that the only way Aaron and I have come this far is because of God's mercy and grace. Honestly, it is hard for me to put-it-all-out-there on this blog. It is hard because I know that unless you've been there, it is hard to understand where I'm coming from. But if we have to suffer through life without our boys, I want it to be worth something. I want Jonah and Harper's lives, our love for them, our journey with Kristi as our gestational carrier, every injection, every trip to Jacksonville, EVERYTHING....I want it all to point others to our Savior, Jesus Christ because He is why we are here and He is the only reason why we can keep going even when our hearts are so heavy and our path is so rocky. If you miss out on this truth, then my blogging has been an epic fail.
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