Flowers for the Cemetery

During my senior year of high school, I took a class called Floral Design. Doc Griner taught the class and it was fun and laid back. I never realized back then how much I would use the skills I learned in that class. In fact, I never really thought I would use those skills at all. Oh, but I do now.

I've gotten pretty good at getting the right amount of flowers and other things needed for each arrangement...I never wind up short of a flower or glue stick or filler. I guess I've gotten that good. Now, picking the right flowers out at the store always bogs me down. I get overwhelmed with the fact that I am picking the "perfect" flowers for my sons' graves...and nothing is "perfect" about that. I swear everytime I feel like I could have a breakdown right there in Hobby Lobby or Michael's. Every. Single. Time.

I get really "in the zone" when I am putting together these flower arrangements. It is only when I finish them and I look at my handiwork that a wave of sadness rushes over me. Sad that the only way I can care for my boys this side of Heaven is by making arrangements for their graves. Sad that this is what I get to do in exchange for late night snuggles and early morning kisses with silly little boys who have captured my heart. Sad that no arrangement I could ever make will ever be as beautiful as the memories we would have made or the laughter we would have shared.

One More Thing

I am reading the daily devotional series at SheReadsTruth.com. This image and the words in it were part of today's devotional. I thought it kind of went hand-in-hand with my previous post. We are definitely called to love one another with "a real and costly love," as we help each other along the way to eternity in Heaven. And those special friends I was talking about in my last post....that is eaxactly what they are doing :).

                          

Special Friends Along the Way

I woke up this morning feeling like death. Really, like hacking up a lung, throat burning death. My voice has been all messed up for almost a week but today when I woke up I was feeling pretty rough. I think it is a sinus infection and I am hoping this antibiotic will clear it right up. Either way, I have been home all day snuggling with these cuties:

Sweet Ruby

Crazy Bingo

As I have snuggled with my little buddies today :), I have been thinking about a lot of things. I know I usually get on here and vent about how unfair things are and my posts are not usually the most positive things. I don't regret this fact, because I want to keep things real. But, today my post is different.

After I lost Jonah, I became friends with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Friends who have walked in my shoes...or at least shoes that look an awful lot like my own. Friends who understood how difficult it was and still is to put one foot in front of the other. Friends who knew just what to say to me because they knew the feelings of brokenness that I felt and still feel. And then I lost Harper and met a couple more beautiful people who have been in my same kind of shoes as well. These sweet friends that I have met along the way are God's way of showing me that I may suffer in this life but it is not in vain. I may feel absolutely alone and helpless, but He is there, giving me the encouragement and strength I need. And I have been surprised by how many times He uses these special friends in my life to help me along my way.

It is so easy for me to think about and post about all that has gone wrong. But I am constantly amazed by how much God has blessed me and Aaron along this journey. Precious friends who support us both near and far...even precious friends that I have never met face to face, that are willing to be obedient to God's tugs on their hearts to pray...I mean really pray...and to rally around us in many different forms. I mean, these precious friends are so amazing in so many different ways, but they don't see it that way, I know. They will never know how much they have impacted me and how much strength I draw from their testimonies and their constant encouragement.

To my very dear friends (you know who you are), I can't wait until the day that we get to see our precious children's faces in Heaven...I am so thankful that the heartache we have had to endure has brought us together...something good out of all of the hurt.

Pressing On

I went into 2013 hopeful because hope was all I had. In February 2013, we began the Invitro-fertilization process with Kristi, our gestational carrier. We had no earthly idea just how bumpy the road was going to be. Somewhere between negative pregnancy tests, methotrexate injections, hurtful things said by those that should be the most understanding of all and roughly $40,000, I started to lose all of the hope I had ever started off with.

And I find that I have already stepped into 2014. And there is still no baby in my arms or on the way. And this ache I feel deep in my chest for Jonah and Harper is only heavier. The longing to pull Heaven and Earth closer together is stronger within me than ever before.

But press on I must...and press on I will. God is not done with us in this place. And I can only praise God for this, for His provisions. I can only thank Him for showing us mercy and grace when we feel like the walls are closing in all around us.

In 2014 we all (Kristi, Eric, Aaron and myself) need your prayers to continue.  We have felt your prayers as they have given us the strength to make it through some of the hardest days. I mean...really, really hard days y'all.

Here's to 2014...one more year of longing for my boys...but hopefully the first of many with a very prayed for, already loved Baby Willis.

Abby