When I was pregnant with Jonah, we painted his room, picked out his bedding and I ordered a Charlie Brown and Snoopy wall decal. The thought of Jonah with his own puppy (Ruby) just caused my heart to swell-I could not wait to see the love between my boy and his dog. Pretty soon, my niece Allie would say Jonah everytime she saw Charlie Brown or Snoopy or even Woodstock.
When we lost Jonah, I didn't change a thing about his incomplete room. When we found out we were pregnant with Harper, I planned on changing the room up-different bedding, different decal-I wanted Harper's room to be different because I'm my mind Charlie Brown and Snoopy was just Jonah's. But, when we lost Harper, I still had not taken down the Charlie Brown and Snoopy decal. As a matter of fact, I finally took it down when we turned the room into Everley's.
Earlier today, thoughts of the day I found out Jonah's heart had stopped beating flooded my mind. I remember the emptiness I felt inside, I remember laying on my bed when I got home that night, holding my stomach and just sobbing. I remember taking a bath and just staring at my stomach and crying. I remember it all so clearly-as if it just happened.
So tonight Everley wore her Snoopy shirt that I got my sister to make to match some pants she has, because it is precious and because I miss Jonah and I miss Harper today.
I miss them everyday, but today the tears came as I thought about my Jonah and how much I wanted him and how devastated I was when I learned he had gone from me.
It never does get easier to live with half of your heart here and the other half in Heaven.