What Not To Say Since You Can't Fix This

I have been silent on this blog for awhile. And I have been quiet on social media concerning my sister and her husband losing their precious baby boy, Tate Henry Murphy. I guess this is me breaking my silence... 

I still can't quite wrap my head around the events of the past week or so. I'm still in shock that Sarah and Clint had to say hello and goodbye and bury their only child. I do not understand the whys. I never will. But I am comforted to know that my God is strong enough to handle my questions, my anger, my brokenness, my tears for my precious sister. My God does not look on this whole situation from afar. He hurts with us and He knows we can't see the whole picture. Those things are what gives me comfort as I look at Sarah and Clint's tear-stained faces. 

I have had a million thoughts go through my head since Sunday, September 4, when Sarah and Clint found out that Tate was gone. People keep asking me what they can do. People want to fix this. People want to do or say something to ease the pain. You can't. There is not one thing that will ease this pain or fix this for Sarah and Clint. However, there are some things you can NOT do that will help them as they navigate this road they have to walk down. 

1. Do NOT tell them that God or Heaven needed another angel. First of all, this "sentiment" does not comfort people left behind to live without their child. Second of all, when an adult, a child, a baby or anyone dies, they do not become an angel-read the Bible please and quit spreading false doctrine to try to comfort someone-it does NOT. 

2. Do NOT tell them that life goes on. They are painfully aware of that. Saying this implies that they need to get over everything and go on like nothing ever happened. This is by far the rudest thing to say to someone in the midst of their grief and it is extremely unhelpful. 

3. Do NOT tell them that everything happens for a reason. Do you know the reason that horrible things like this happen? Sin entered the world long ago and because of this life is hard and horrible, unbearable things happen. 

4. Do NOT tell them that they will have another child one day. That is irrelevant. No matter how many children they ever have, they will always be missing Tate. Just like with us, Everley brings us a joy we never thought we could have but she does not replace Jonah or Harper or negate anything that happened. Her presence does not make me forget their absence. 

4. Do NOT say or think that you will give them time before you come around or get in touch and then not follow through for several weeks or months or ever. Trust me when I say that they will forever remember who hung around and walked with them through their grief. 

And last of all (for now), please know that there isn't an end to the grief or path they are walking. The only end is when Sarah and Clint are reunited with Tate one day in Heaven. Until then, their lives will forever look different, they will forever be hurting and broken. The only things that need to be said to them are that you are so sorry, you love them and you are praying for them. Anything else really isn't helpful. Words are inadequate when the child you were getting ready to bring home is buried in a cemetery...beside his two baby cousins who never got to come home either. I mean seriously. 

The thoughts, prayers, food, cards and flowers that have been sent to Sarah and Clint have been greatly appreciated. Please continue to stand in the gap for them by praying for them in the days, weeks, months and even years to come. 

Spring And Growing Too Fast

Every Spring I like to walk around my yard and see what is starting to bloom and this morning I had a sweet baby girl on my hip as I did. To see the wonder in Everley's eyes brought tears to mine. I would show her a bloom and her eyes would light up and a smile would spread across her face. Ruby and Bingo would run by, playing with each other and Everley would scream and squeal with excitement. She loves her puppies so much. 

Everley is growing much too fast for me. I can't believe in just six weeks she will be a whole year old. I'm excited for all the future holds with Everley, the things we will get to experience with her over the years to come but I can't help but be sad for how quick time seems to fly by with her. Those first few months were rough for us since we were trying to figure out the whole breastfeeding thing and I'm pretty sure I was one big hormonal mess (Aaron would agree!) and I remember thinking the days were dragging by. But man I was wrong, even the early days lasted for a blink of an eye. 

I think part of the reason why I'm so sad that Everley is approaching a year old is because I'm also sad that I missed out on the first year with Jonah and the first year with Harper. Missing out on their little personalities and big smiles will never get easier. Everley brings us so much joy and happiness and we wonder how we ever lived without her. I mean, I look at her and I could just burst because she makes my heart so full and so happy. But we sure miss her brothers and we always wonder how they would have added to all the fun and beauty of Everley's first year in our lives. 

Thinking of Jonah

I have always loved dogs. If there is a dog anywhere around me, you can bet I'm gonna be loving on it as soon as you can blink! I just love them. 

When I was pregnant with Jonah, we painted his room, picked out his bedding and I ordered a Charlie Brown and Snoopy wall decal. The thought of Jonah with his own puppy (Ruby) just caused my heart to swell-I could not wait to see the love between my boy and his dog. Pretty soon, my niece Allie would say Jonah everytime she saw Charlie Brown or Snoopy or even Woodstock. 

When we lost Jonah, I didn't change a thing about his incomplete room. When we found out we were pregnant with Harper, I planned on changing the room up-different bedding, different decal-I wanted Harper's room to be different because I'm my mind Charlie Brown and Snoopy was just Jonah's. But, when we lost Harper, I still had not taken down the Charlie Brown and Snoopy decal. As a matter of fact, I finally took it down when we turned the room into Everley's. 

Earlier today, thoughts of the day I found out Jonah's heart had stopped beating flooded my mind. I remember the emptiness I felt inside, I remember laying on my bed when I got home that night, holding my stomach and just sobbing. I remember taking a bath and just staring at my stomach and crying. I remember it all so clearly-as if it just happened. 

So tonight Everley wore her Snoopy shirt that I got my sister to make to match some pants she has, because it is precious and because I miss Jonah and I miss Harper today. 

I miss them everyday, but today the tears came as I thought about my Jonah and how much I wanted him and how devastated I was when I learned he had gone from me. 

It never does get easier to live with half of your heart here and the other half in Heaven.

Everley Meets Dr.Duffy

Today we took Everley to Jacksonville to meet Dr.Duffy for the first time. She did SO good! She slept the whole way there and most of the way home. She was one smiley, happy baby for the most part. 

Look at these two:

I looked over and saw Everley touching Dr.Duffy's face and I about melted in the floor-so precious! It was so good to catch up and to introduce Dr.Duffy to our precious miracle baby. It is so crazy to think that a year ago he was releasing me back into my normal OB's care, the end of my first trimester with Everley. We were sad that Nan, the nurse who has been with us from the very beginning, couldn't be there because of a family emergency. But, we plan on visiting again soon so she can get her hands on Everley, too. 

Looking back, most days the thought of bringing our baby to Jacksonville for a visit seemed crazy and like an impossibility, because we had tried so hard and it felt like we would never have our baby in our arms. It still doesn't seem real to me that Everley is here.

We are so grateful to Dr.Duffy and Nan and all the sweet nurses that God placed in our lives. And Kristi-Lord knows we are so grateful for her and her sweet family. 

Today was so very special to us. 

90's Christian Music

The other day the chorus of a song I used to listen and sing to popped into my head. So, I sang it to Everley and she acted like she loved it. So when she would start to fuss, I would sing it to her again and she would just look at me and make this sound that she makes when she wants you to do something again-a sound that I think I will still hear in my head when she is old and married-I love that little sound. Anyways, I couldn't remember the verses to the song so I dug the cd out and played it for Everley-who knew she would like Avalon! 

Tonight, I was swinging underneath the pecan trees as Everley was drifting off to sleep and staring in my face. I started singing the chorus to that Avalon song she likes so much. The chorus goes like this: 

"I don't want to go somewhere 

If I know that You're not there,

'Cause I know that me without You is a lie.

And I don't want to walk that road,

Be a million miles from home,

Cause my heart needs to be where You are.

So I don't want to go."

Tears began to well up in my eyes as I thought about the millions of times me and Sarah jammed out to that song, as well as a million others. After the journey we have been on the past three and a half years, it amazes me that I can still remember the choruses to songs like this, but then again, I know that is by God's divine mercy and grace. Those songs I sang long ago were just one of the ways He was preparing my heart for the road that was before me. 

I started thinking about the lyrics to that chorus that I hadn't thought of 

in years, and about losing Jonah and then Harper. And then the rough road of IVF that we walked down with Kristi, in all her selflessness...and I just cried (and Everley looked at me like I was crazy) because I know that we would have never kept going if it weren't for God leading us and walking with us every step of the way...that if He had not walked with us, I would not have wanted to go. 

So, when my Mama had heard all the singing she could bear to hear back then,  she didn't realize that God would use it to speak to my heart all these years later as I swing with this precious miracle named Everley. 

My 29th Birthday

Today is my birthday-a day I share with my twin sister, Sarah. I can't even believe we are 29! Last year of my 20s...oh my.

Birthdays have always been special until three years ago. After I lost Jonah, I dreaded the arrival of my birthday because I had so been looking forward to holding my baby boy in my arms on my birthday, and every other day. So, after losing Harper too, every birthday since I have felt so sad. Sad because yet another year had passed and my arms were still empty and Heaven held more of my heart. 

I have found this year that my birthday is still hard, because Jonah and Harper are There and we are here, incomplete until our reunion in Heaven. I am sad that two little boys aren't running around the kitchen wanting me to blow out the candles on my cake. This day is so bittersweet this year.

On my birthday, I have spent the afternoon at Everley's four month well baby check-up. She cried and I teared up and I held her close...and while I hate to see her hurt, I am so glad that I can pull her close and feel her little body relax because she knows her mama is holding her and making things better. And that will get me through to my next birthday.

I am thrilled to death that Everley is sleeping peacefully in my arms as I type this, that my day has started and ended with me holding her. This year, my arms are not empty and for that I am so very thankful. 

Everley's First Time in Church

Yesterday we took Everley to church for the first time. She slept through the whole service and did so good! I got a little emotional when we stood up to show her to the congregation as I thought about how long we have been trying to bring a baby home and about how many times I imagined me and Aaron bringing our baby to church for the first time. So many Sundays I have sat in the pews of my church, shedding tears of sadness, overcome by the emptiness in my arms, overcome with longing for the two little boys that I had to give back. I can't put into words how deep the sting and how deep the hurt, the ache. And while the sadness is still here, because Jonah and Harper are not here, my tears yesterday were from my grief but more so from thankfulness. I was overcome with gratefulness that the God of the universe, Who is in the redeeming business, would bless us with this sweet little angel and allow us to raise her and to teach her about Him. My heart will ALWAYS ache for my boys and I will probably always post about that (sorry folks!). But to have been given three beautiful children and to have Everley in my arms right now...it's more than my heart can bear sometimes.

And since Everley is a little angel-it was only fitting that she looked like a precious angel on her first trip to church. Oh I love her so very much! 

We are so very blessed to call Everley ours!

Sweet Everley

Everley is eight weeks old y'all. These past eight weeks have been exhausting, full of joy and full of learning. When we first brought Everley home, she slept, ate and used the bathroom. Now she is awake more in the day and she smiles and coos at us, on top of all those other things. I can't even believe how she has grown. I am breastfeeding and to begin with, we had a hard time getting Everley to gain weight, especially the weight she lost before we got home from the hospital. We met with a Lactation Consultant here in Moultrie (not sure how she feels about her name being used on my blog!) and she has been a lifesaver! I would have surely given up if it hadn't been for her help and encouragement. Don't let anyone fool you: breastfeeding is hard! It gets better, but it is hard there for awhile. Anyways, Everley was 6lbs. 11oz. when she was born, she got down to 6lbs. 1oz. and now, eight weeks later, she is 8lbs 15oz. Just look at the difference in these pictures. I am so proud of us (breastfeeding almost whooped us) but I am so sad to see her grow so quick. The first picture is when we were getting in the car to leave the hospital. The second picture is from a couple days ago. I mean, I can't even...

 

 

 

We have so much fun with Everley. Just being with her and watching her learn the world around her is exciting. I look in her face and it brings tears to my eyes how perfect she is, how much she looks like Jonah and how innocent and precious she is. She has brought joy to our little family and she has made me miss Jonah and Harper even more. I am sad that I have missed (and will continue to miss) so many things with my boys, but I am so grateful that I do get to experience so many things with Everley.

 

Several people have been asking Aaron when they see him when I'm going to be getting Everley out and about. I promise the day is coming! We do get out some, but we usually go out of town and keep to ourselves. I have been waiting on Everley to get her first round of shots, which is in a couple of weeks. People think I'm crazy, but her pediatrician has even recommended we keep her away from large crowds until she has had her first set of shots. Crazy or not, I would rather be safe than sorry. Afterall, she is a precious gift that didn't come easy! We will be out and about soon enough.

 

For those of you still praying for us - we appreciate the prayers much more than you know.

 

 

Everley Carolina Willis

Last Tuesday, April 21, Everley Carolina Willis made her debut. We are so head over heels in love with her! We cannot believe that she is a whole week old already! This is what we have learned about her so far:

- This girl is a little pistol! She lets you know real quick what she does and does not like. I'm certain she will go far in life because she knows exactly what she wants.

- She does not flinch at all when Ruby or Bingo barks, she is so used to hearing them from the inside, it doesn't even phase her on the outside.

- She is so sweet and precious and she tugs at our heart strings constantly. We just sit around staring at her and crying.

- We have already been telling her about her brothers, Jonah and Harper. 

- She has strengthened our marriage even more. It never ceases to amaze me how much thought and careful planning God put into placing me and Aaron together. I always thought I knew what I would want and need in a husband, but thank God that He knew far better than me. Aaron Willis is quite the catch y'all-I can't even begin to tell y'all all the reasons why I love him so!

So, this is all I have for now. Things are a little crazy around here as we adjust to life with a newborn, but how we have longed for this for so long! Thank you all for your prayers and please keep them coming! Our hearts are so full because of God's faithfulness...three precious babies...three very precious gifts.

Update: 33 Weeks

I know it has been a really long time since I have posted an update. I have just been so busy holding my breath and trying to get things ready for Everley. I guess I haven't wanted to jinx how well things have been going either.

So, as the title of this post says, I am 33 weeks pregnant. Around 20-24 weeks, Everley was measuring a little small and she had me pretty worried because that is simply what I do best ;) and that is just what you do when you have gone through all that we have. But, by our next growth scan at 27 weeks, Everley had caught up for the most part and the maternal fetal medicine specialist that we were seeing released us because Everley was doing so well. I am going weekly for appointments with my regular OB doctor and for non-stress tests to keep an eye on Everley's heart rate and my uterus. Everley does not always like to cooperate for her non-stress tests so that makes my visits longer some days, but she is doing great, just keeping us on our toes!

Dr. Duffy, the reproductive endocrinologist that did my uterine surgery last May, has been keeping a check on me through his nurse, which is so nice! I actually got to talk to him this past weekend and he really helped to ease my mind about some things. I can't say it enough - I love Dr. Duffy! He is just the best!

We are so thankful for everyone's continued love and support. We have been blessed and comforted by your prayers and thoughts - please keep those coming! There are always two missing pieces, Jonah and Harper...and that is something we are troubled by on a daily basis. These last several weeks are sure to be filled with anxiety for us, even as we trust God with our precious Everley...we just can't believe we have made it this far, as this is the farthest we have ever been. We cannot wait to hold Everley in our arms!

I will leave y'all with a picture of Everley Carolina Willis and her precious lips and nose!

Life Looks So Different

I have been so sad the past couple of days. I have cried harder than I have in awhile. I am trusting God with Everley, but then again, I trusted God with Jonah and Harper, too. Trusting God does not somehow make me exempt from losing Everley. That's what is so hard for people to understand. I truly am doing the best I can. My faith does not mean I won't suffer or that I won't be sad or that I won't have moments in which I struggle to breathe. 

I miss Jonah and Harper so terribly. No pregnancy or birth after them will ever close up this gaping hole in my heart. No baby in my arms will ever make the longing for Jonah and Harper in my arms go away. Life looks so different without them. Things that others would never dream could hurt me or stop me dead in my tracks do just that. Some words and actions leave me gasping for breath through the tears that are choking me out. People don't have to say it but they leave me with the impression that since I've had surgery, we've found the problem and I'm pregnant now, well that fixes everything. Oh God, how I wish it could! 

Things are awkward. People don't mention Jonah or Harper because they don't want to upset me. Do you know what upsets me? The fact that if I utter their names, people start squirming uncomfortably. I know people don't know what to say to me or to Aaron and they don't know what to do around us. But do they think about how it feels to be us? We stuggle to make it through the day a lot of times. We struggle to reconcile the little joys of life with the extreme ache we feel in every moment. Every moment is so bittersweet. We don't know what to do or say around people.

Christmas is here and so are the gatherings with family and friends. In every get-together I am reminded that Jonah and Harper are missing. And I feel that no one else notices besides Aaron. I see Aaron playing with kids because he can choke it back far better than I can, and I see those kids light up because Aaron is so fun. And then I always feel the heat flood my cheeks and the tears that start to fill my eyes as I think about how much fun Jonah and Harper would've had with Aaron. And I just can't shake the sadness. It will never be easy to live without them here. It will always be complicated. It will always hover over every part of our life. And I wish I could be sorry for other people that this upsets, but I'm not. I'm not sorry that we've changed. I'm not sorry that loving and missing them means I can't do other things. Great love changes you. Children change you and even the relationships you have, whether your children are playing in the next room or sitting at the feet of Jesus waiting to see you again. We are forever changed and forever...just not the same. 

We are hopeful that Everley will get to come home. We are trusting God. We know that Everley will bring us so much joy amidst the pain. But that is exactly what it will be: joy amidst pain. She will make us smile and laugh and wonder how we ever lived without her. She will bring light and laughter back into our home. But we will also always be sad that she won't have her big brothers here to love on her and play with her. We will always be sad that our three babies won't get to share the experience of growing up together in a home where they were each prayed for and loved so deeply. 

Living between Heaven and Earth is exhausting. Especially when we are the only ones that notice. 

You Don't Want To Skip This Post

When surgery on my uterus was first mentioned, Dr. Duffy told us that it could take up to six months until he would be ready to release us to try again. It all depended on how the surgery went and how quickly and how well I would heal. So, I had surgery in May and it was rough. But when I woke up from surgery, Dr. Duffy was so proud of how well the surgery went, even though it took much longer than he had anticipated. 

We went back about five weeks later for a saline sonogram to see how my uterus was healing. Dr. Duffy was still so proud of how everything had went and he was even more excited by how well my uterus was healing. We left that day having been told that after three more normal monthly cycles, we could start trying again. We were kind of shocked. We decided then that we would not breathe a word about this to anyone because we knew how hard the coming months would probably be. And we were right. They have been hard and they have been filled with anticipation, fear, sadness, longing and even doubt. But these weeks have not been without hope.

When we first found out we were pregnant, my progesterone levels were low so Dr. Duffy put me on progesterone twice a day to help with my levels, to help sustain the pregnancy. After my first pregnancy visit with Dr. Duffy, I began to bleed and I began to panic. I was then placed on Estradiol twice a day to help with that. It was a rollercoaster of emotions!

But here we are today and we are filled with so much joy to know that we are expecting a miracle, a blessing from God. Miss Everley Carolina Willis is expected to arrive in May 2015. We hope that people will understand why we have been cautious in telling of our news. We have learned that no pregnancy, no matter how far along, is a guarantee. We are excited but we are also nervous. We want to bring sweet Everley home so very badly. Please continue to pray for us. We are going to a maternal fetal medicine specialist next week and we would appreciate your prayers. Please pray that Everley is healthy and that my uterus is doing exactly what a normal uterus should. 

I cannot begin to tell you what it is like feeling some movements already, knowing that there was a time not so long ago when we were told I would never be able to be pregnant again. We are so thankful to our Heavenly Father for leading us to Dr. Duffy and for blessing us with another child. Our hearts are full knowing that God saw fit to bless us with three precious babies, Jonah, Harper and now Everley. Oh, how He loves us!