What Not To Say Since You Can't Fix This

I have been silent on this blog for awhile. And I have been quiet on social media concerning my sister and her husband losing their precious baby boy, Tate Henry Murphy. I guess this is me breaking my silence... 

I still can't quite wrap my head around the events of the past week or so. I'm still in shock that Sarah and Clint had to say hello and goodbye and bury their only child. I do not understand the whys. I never will. But I am comforted to know that my God is strong enough to handle my questions, my anger, my brokenness, my tears for my precious sister. My God does not look on this whole situation from afar. He hurts with us and He knows we can't see the whole picture. Those things are what gives me comfort as I look at Sarah and Clint's tear-stained faces. 

I have had a million thoughts go through my head since Sunday, September 4, when Sarah and Clint found out that Tate was gone. People keep asking me what they can do. People want to fix this. People want to do or say something to ease the pain. You can't. There is not one thing that will ease this pain or fix this for Sarah and Clint. However, there are some things you can NOT do that will help them as they navigate this road they have to walk down. 

1. Do NOT tell them that God or Heaven needed another angel. First of all, this "sentiment" does not comfort people left behind to live without their child. Second of all, when an adult, a child, a baby or anyone dies, they do not become an angel-read the Bible please and quit spreading false doctrine to try to comfort someone-it does NOT. 

2. Do NOT tell them that life goes on. They are painfully aware of that. Saying this implies that they need to get over everything and go on like nothing ever happened. This is by far the rudest thing to say to someone in the midst of their grief and it is extremely unhelpful. 

3. Do NOT tell them that everything happens for a reason. Do you know the reason that horrible things like this happen? Sin entered the world long ago and because of this life is hard and horrible, unbearable things happen. 

4. Do NOT tell them that they will have another child one day. That is irrelevant. No matter how many children they ever have, they will always be missing Tate. Just like with us, Everley brings us a joy we never thought we could have but she does not replace Jonah or Harper or negate anything that happened. Her presence does not make me forget their absence. 

4. Do NOT say or think that you will give them time before you come around or get in touch and then not follow through for several weeks or months or ever. Trust me when I say that they will forever remember who hung around and walked with them through their grief. 

And last of all (for now), please know that there isn't an end to the grief or path they are walking. The only end is when Sarah and Clint are reunited with Tate one day in Heaven. Until then, their lives will forever look different, they will forever be hurting and broken. The only things that need to be said to them are that you are so sorry, you love them and you are praying for them. Anything else really isn't helpful. Words are inadequate when the child you were getting ready to bring home is buried in a cemetery...beside his two baby cousins who never got to come home either. I mean seriously. 

The thoughts, prayers, food, cards and flowers that have been sent to Sarah and Clint have been greatly appreciated. Please continue to stand in the gap for them by praying for them in the days, weeks, months and even years to come. 

Spring And Growing Too Fast

Every Spring I like to walk around my yard and see what is starting to bloom and this morning I had a sweet baby girl on my hip as I did. To see the wonder in Everley's eyes brought tears to mine. I would show her a bloom and her eyes would light up and a smile would spread across her face. Ruby and Bingo would run by, playing with each other and Everley would scream and squeal with excitement. She loves her puppies so much. 

Everley is growing much too fast for me. I can't believe in just six weeks she will be a whole year old. I'm excited for all the future holds with Everley, the things we will get to experience with her over the years to come but I can't help but be sad for how quick time seems to fly by with her. Those first few months were rough for us since we were trying to figure out the whole breastfeeding thing and I'm pretty sure I was one big hormonal mess (Aaron would agree!) and I remember thinking the days were dragging by. But man I was wrong, even the early days lasted for a blink of an eye. 

I think part of the reason why I'm so sad that Everley is approaching a year old is because I'm also sad that I missed out on the first year with Jonah and the first year with Harper. Missing out on their little personalities and big smiles will never get easier. Everley brings us so much joy and happiness and we wonder how we ever lived without her. I mean, I look at her and I could just burst because she makes my heart so full and so happy. But we sure miss her brothers and we always wonder how they would have added to all the fun and beauty of Everley's first year in our lives. 

February 26

I can't let this day pass without acknowledging that today was Harper's due date. I miss him and all the dreams I had for him. He was perfect and so loved. And February 26 will always be the day he was expected to arrive.... 

Four

Four. Years. I can't believe that's how long it has been. I can't believe that's how old you would be. Should be. Everything from this day four years ago plays in my mind over and over. Not just on this day. 

Today was beautiful. The sun was shining and it felt like Spring. And I caught myself thinking that the day was almost as beautiful as you. But not quite. I have held Everley extra close today-squeezed her and kissed her and breathed her in-imagining all those moments I have missed with you in four years, and thankful that I have her here this year on this sad and hurtful day. 

You are so missed and so longed for and my heart aches and my throat swells at the thought of you. Of the thoughts of all I've missed and will always miss. Of thoughts from when I held your precious little body close, forever broken that you wouldn't get to live this life with us here. 

To see you and Harper doting on Everley-what I wouldn't give. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven Jonah...I miss you so much down here. So, so much.

Thinking of Jonah

I have always loved dogs. If there is a dog anywhere around me, you can bet I'm gonna be loving on it as soon as you can blink! I just love them. 

When I was pregnant with Jonah, we painted his room, picked out his bedding and I ordered a Charlie Brown and Snoopy wall decal. The thought of Jonah with his own puppy (Ruby) just caused my heart to swell-I could not wait to see the love between my boy and his dog. Pretty soon, my niece Allie would say Jonah everytime she saw Charlie Brown or Snoopy or even Woodstock. 

When we lost Jonah, I didn't change a thing about his incomplete room. When we found out we were pregnant with Harper, I planned on changing the room up-different bedding, different decal-I wanted Harper's room to be different because I'm my mind Charlie Brown and Snoopy was just Jonah's. But, when we lost Harper, I still had not taken down the Charlie Brown and Snoopy decal. As a matter of fact, I finally took it down when we turned the room into Everley's. 

Earlier today, thoughts of the day I found out Jonah's heart had stopped beating flooded my mind. I remember the emptiness I felt inside, I remember laying on my bed when I got home that night, holding my stomach and just sobbing. I remember taking a bath and just staring at my stomach and crying. I remember it all so clearly-as if it just happened. 

So tonight Everley wore her Snoopy shirt that I got my sister to make to match some pants she has, because it is precious and because I miss Jonah and I miss Harper today. 

I miss them everyday, but today the tears came as I thought about my Jonah and how much I wanted him and how devastated I was when I learned he had gone from me. 

It never does get easier to live with half of your heart here and the other half in Heaven.

Harper Would Have Been Three

Today was a beautiful day. As I was driving home from church I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the sky and the trees were. A perfect fall day, except it wasn't. 

Three years ago today, I was in Gainesville in preterm labor with Harper. I can't believe that was three years ago. Yet, I remember it all like it was yesterday. I remember the desperation I felt as things seemed to get worse, the labor only progressing. I remember the devastation I felt as I realized it was over and there was nothing that could be done to help Harper. Devastated doesn't even seem to be the right word for the moment I realized I wouldn't be bringing this baby home either. I remember the uneasiness I felt when I realized that Harper passed away on my mama's birthday-uneasy because that day would always hurt now. And I was right. October 18-Harper's earthly birthday, October 19-Harper's Heavenly birthday. Both days hurt, every year. 

I saw a little boy today who was born around the same time as Harper. Makes me catch my breath everytime...I can't shake the thought that he should be here, that size already. That I should have 3 years and 8 months old Jonah and 3 year old Harper here with us. That I should have two little boys here, loving on their baby sister. 

So while today was a beautiful, perfect fall day, it really wasn't very perfect at all because Harper was missing from it. There was no birthday cake and giggles, no sloppy wet kisses and smiles. And tomorrow will be the same. 

Oh Harper...you are so very loved and so very missed every second of the day, my sweet boy...Selfishly I wish you and Jonah were here in our arms. That would be a perfect day.

Everley Meets Dr.Duffy

Today we took Everley to Jacksonville to meet Dr.Duffy for the first time. She did SO good! She slept the whole way there and most of the way home. She was one smiley, happy baby for the most part. 

Look at these two:

I looked over and saw Everley touching Dr.Duffy's face and I about melted in the floor-so precious! It was so good to catch up and to introduce Dr.Duffy to our precious miracle baby. It is so crazy to think that a year ago he was releasing me back into my normal OB's care, the end of my first trimester with Everley. We were sad that Nan, the nurse who has been with us from the very beginning, couldn't be there because of a family emergency. But, we plan on visiting again soon so she can get her hands on Everley, too. 

Looking back, most days the thought of bringing our baby to Jacksonville for a visit seemed crazy and like an impossibility, because we had tried so hard and it felt like we would never have our baby in our arms. It still doesn't seem real to me that Everley is here.

We are so grateful to Dr.Duffy and Nan and all the sweet nurses that God placed in our lives. And Kristi-Lord knows we are so grateful for her and her sweet family. 

Today was so very special to us. 

My 29th Birthday

Today is my birthday-a day I share with my twin sister, Sarah. I can't even believe we are 29! Last year of my 20s...oh my.

Birthdays have always been special until three years ago. After I lost Jonah, I dreaded the arrival of my birthday because I had so been looking forward to holding my baby boy in my arms on my birthday, and every other day. So, after losing Harper too, every birthday since I have felt so sad. Sad because yet another year had passed and my arms were still empty and Heaven held more of my heart. 

I have found this year that my birthday is still hard, because Jonah and Harper are There and we are here, incomplete until our reunion in Heaven. I am sad that two little boys aren't running around the kitchen wanting me to blow out the candles on my cake. This day is so bittersweet this year.

On my birthday, I have spent the afternoon at Everley's four month well baby check-up. She cried and I teared up and I held her close...and while I hate to see her hurt, I am so glad that I can pull her close and feel her little body relax because she knows her mama is holding her and making things better. And that will get me through to my next birthday.

I am thrilled to death that Everley is sleeping peacefully in my arms as I type this, that my day has started and ended with me holding her. This year, my arms are not empty and for that I am so very thankful. 

Everley's First Time in Church

Yesterday we took Everley to church for the first time. She slept through the whole service and did so good! I got a little emotional when we stood up to show her to the congregation as I thought about how long we have been trying to bring a baby home and about how many times I imagined me and Aaron bringing our baby to church for the first time. So many Sundays I have sat in the pews of my church, shedding tears of sadness, overcome by the emptiness in my arms, overcome with longing for the two little boys that I had to give back. I can't put into words how deep the sting and how deep the hurt, the ache. And while the sadness is still here, because Jonah and Harper are not here, my tears yesterday were from my grief but more so from thankfulness. I was overcome with gratefulness that the God of the universe, Who is in the redeeming business, would bless us with this sweet little angel and allow us to raise her and to teach her about Him. My heart will ALWAYS ache for my boys and I will probably always post about that (sorry folks!). But to have been given three beautiful children and to have Everley in my arms right now...it's more than my heart can bear sometimes.

And since Everley is a little angel-it was only fitting that she looked like a precious angel on her first trip to church. Oh I love her so very much! 

We are so very blessed to call Everley ours!

Life Looks So Different

I have been so sad the past couple of days. I have cried harder than I have in awhile. I am trusting God with Everley, but then again, I trusted God with Jonah and Harper, too. Trusting God does not somehow make me exempt from losing Everley. That's what is so hard for people to understand. I truly am doing the best I can. My faith does not mean I won't suffer or that I won't be sad or that I won't have moments in which I struggle to breathe. 

I miss Jonah and Harper so terribly. No pregnancy or birth after them will ever close up this gaping hole in my heart. No baby in my arms will ever make the longing for Jonah and Harper in my arms go away. Life looks so different without them. Things that others would never dream could hurt me or stop me dead in my tracks do just that. Some words and actions leave me gasping for breath through the tears that are choking me out. People don't have to say it but they leave me with the impression that since I've had surgery, we've found the problem and I'm pregnant now, well that fixes everything. Oh God, how I wish it could! 

Things are awkward. People don't mention Jonah or Harper because they don't want to upset me. Do you know what upsets me? The fact that if I utter their names, people start squirming uncomfortably. I know people don't know what to say to me or to Aaron and they don't know what to do around us. But do they think about how it feels to be us? We stuggle to make it through the day a lot of times. We struggle to reconcile the little joys of life with the extreme ache we feel in every moment. Every moment is so bittersweet. We don't know what to do or say around people.

Christmas is here and so are the gatherings with family and friends. In every get-together I am reminded that Jonah and Harper are missing. And I feel that no one else notices besides Aaron. I see Aaron playing with kids because he can choke it back far better than I can, and I see those kids light up because Aaron is so fun. And then I always feel the heat flood my cheeks and the tears that start to fill my eyes as I think about how much fun Jonah and Harper would've had with Aaron. And I just can't shake the sadness. It will never be easy to live without them here. It will always be complicated. It will always hover over every part of our life. And I wish I could be sorry for other people that this upsets, but I'm not. I'm not sorry that we've changed. I'm not sorry that loving and missing them means I can't do other things. Great love changes you. Children change you and even the relationships you have, whether your children are playing in the next room or sitting at the feet of Jesus waiting to see you again. We are forever changed and forever...just not the same. 

We are hopeful that Everley will get to come home. We are trusting God. We know that Everley will bring us so much joy amidst the pain. But that is exactly what it will be: joy amidst pain. She will make us smile and laugh and wonder how we ever lived without her. She will bring light and laughter back into our home. But we will also always be sad that she won't have her big brothers here to love on her and play with her. We will always be sad that our three babies won't get to share the experience of growing up together in a home where they were each prayed for and loved so deeply. 

Living between Heaven and Earth is exhausting. Especially when we are the only ones that notice. 

Bittersweet Weekend

When I was pregnant with Harper, I was anxious all the time. I held my breath everyday and at night as I laid in bed, I would exhale just a little as I realized I had made it another day. Aaron, being the amazing man that he is, decided at some point that I needed encouragement to help me through the long, stressful days. So, each day he put a blue post-it note with a Bible verse on it inside the cabinet in our bathroom that holds all the things I need in the mornings when I am getting ready for work. I never have taken those post-it notes down.

This was the verse on the post-it note on October 18, 2012, the day I went into pre-term labor and delivered Harper at 21 weeks and 2 days:

Hard to rejoice on such a bittersweet day, or the day that follows. Sweet because Harper is my child and yesterday was his birthday and I held him on that day two years ago. Sweet because I know where he is and I know I will be with him again one day. Bitter because on October 19, 2012, a few short hours after his birth, Harper died. Bitter because I wish he was here and I wish I was recovering from his birthday party right now. Bitter because no one speaks Harper's name. No one speaks Jonah's either. It is bad enough that to hear their names, me or Aaron have to say them, otherwise they are never mentioned. That hurts. Combined with the fact that they are gone and we are here...that really hurts. 

Losing a child is not like any other loss, and I think I'm pretty qualified to say that. It turns your world upside down, but no one else's. You think about your child(ren) every second of the day for your whole life, but they never seem to cross anyone else's mind. Man that hurts.

Makes me hold them even closer to my heart. 

Dreary Day

I don't know if it's this dreary weather or the fact that Harper's birthday is quickly approaching, but I am missing Jonah and Harper extra today. And I'm not just missing the thought of them. I am missing the way they felt in my arms, like they belonged there...because they did. I am missing their precious features and tiny hands. The time we got to hold them was so short, yet I can't get those moments out of my head.