What Not To Say Since You Can't Fix This

I have been silent on this blog for awhile. And I have been quiet on social media concerning my sister and her husband losing their precious baby boy, Tate Henry Murphy. I guess this is me breaking my silence... 

I still can't quite wrap my head around the events of the past week or so. I'm still in shock that Sarah and Clint had to say hello and goodbye and bury their only child. I do not understand the whys. I never will. But I am comforted to know that my God is strong enough to handle my questions, my anger, my brokenness, my tears for my precious sister. My God does not look on this whole situation from afar. He hurts with us and He knows we can't see the whole picture. Those things are what gives me comfort as I look at Sarah and Clint's tear-stained faces. 

I have had a million thoughts go through my head since Sunday, September 4, when Sarah and Clint found out that Tate was gone. People keep asking me what they can do. People want to fix this. People want to do or say something to ease the pain. You can't. There is not one thing that will ease this pain or fix this for Sarah and Clint. However, there are some things you can NOT do that will help them as they navigate this road they have to walk down. 

1. Do NOT tell them that God or Heaven needed another angel. First of all, this "sentiment" does not comfort people left behind to live without their child. Second of all, when an adult, a child, a baby or anyone dies, they do not become an angel-read the Bible please and quit spreading false doctrine to try to comfort someone-it does NOT. 

2. Do NOT tell them that life goes on. They are painfully aware of that. Saying this implies that they need to get over everything and go on like nothing ever happened. This is by far the rudest thing to say to someone in the midst of their grief and it is extremely unhelpful. 

3. Do NOT tell them that everything happens for a reason. Do you know the reason that horrible things like this happen? Sin entered the world long ago and because of this life is hard and horrible, unbearable things happen. 

4. Do NOT tell them that they will have another child one day. That is irrelevant. No matter how many children they ever have, they will always be missing Tate. Just like with us, Everley brings us a joy we never thought we could have but she does not replace Jonah or Harper or negate anything that happened. Her presence does not make me forget their absence. 

4. Do NOT say or think that you will give them time before you come around or get in touch and then not follow through for several weeks or months or ever. Trust me when I say that they will forever remember who hung around and walked with them through their grief. 

And last of all (for now), please know that there isn't an end to the grief or path they are walking. The only end is when Sarah and Clint are reunited with Tate one day in Heaven. Until then, their lives will forever look different, they will forever be hurting and broken. The only things that need to be said to them are that you are so sorry, you love them and you are praying for them. Anything else really isn't helpful. Words are inadequate when the child you were getting ready to bring home is buried in a cemetery...beside his two baby cousins who never got to come home either. I mean seriously. 

The thoughts, prayers, food, cards and flowers that have been sent to Sarah and Clint have been greatly appreciated. Please continue to stand in the gap for them by praying for them in the days, weeks, months and even years to come. 

Spring And Growing Too Fast

Every Spring I like to walk around my yard and see what is starting to bloom and this morning I had a sweet baby girl on my hip as I did. To see the wonder in Everley's eyes brought tears to mine. I would show her a bloom and her eyes would light up and a smile would spread across her face. Ruby and Bingo would run by, playing with each other and Everley would scream and squeal with excitement. She loves her puppies so much. 

Everley is growing much too fast for me. I can't believe in just six weeks she will be a whole year old. I'm excited for all the future holds with Everley, the things we will get to experience with her over the years to come but I can't help but be sad for how quick time seems to fly by with her. Those first few months were rough for us since we were trying to figure out the whole breastfeeding thing and I'm pretty sure I was one big hormonal mess (Aaron would agree!) and I remember thinking the days were dragging by. But man I was wrong, even the early days lasted for a blink of an eye. 

I think part of the reason why I'm so sad that Everley is approaching a year old is because I'm also sad that I missed out on the first year with Jonah and the first year with Harper. Missing out on their little personalities and big smiles will never get easier. Everley brings us so much joy and happiness and we wonder how we ever lived without her. I mean, I look at her and I could just burst because she makes my heart so full and so happy. But we sure miss her brothers and we always wonder how they would have added to all the fun and beauty of Everley's first year in our lives. 

Four

Four. Years. I can't believe that's how long it has been. I can't believe that's how old you would be. Should be. Everything from this day four years ago plays in my mind over and over. Not just on this day. 

Today was beautiful. The sun was shining and it felt like Spring. And I caught myself thinking that the day was almost as beautiful as you. But not quite. I have held Everley extra close today-squeezed her and kissed her and breathed her in-imagining all those moments I have missed with you in four years, and thankful that I have her here this year on this sad and hurtful day. 

You are so missed and so longed for and my heart aches and my throat swells at the thought of you. Of the thoughts of all I've missed and will always miss. Of thoughts from when I held your precious little body close, forever broken that you wouldn't get to live this life with us here. 

To see you and Harper doting on Everley-what I wouldn't give. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven Jonah...I miss you so much down here. So, so much.

Thinking of Jonah

I have always loved dogs. If there is a dog anywhere around me, you can bet I'm gonna be loving on it as soon as you can blink! I just love them. 

When I was pregnant with Jonah, we painted his room, picked out his bedding and I ordered a Charlie Brown and Snoopy wall decal. The thought of Jonah with his own puppy (Ruby) just caused my heart to swell-I could not wait to see the love between my boy and his dog. Pretty soon, my niece Allie would say Jonah everytime she saw Charlie Brown or Snoopy or even Woodstock. 

When we lost Jonah, I didn't change a thing about his incomplete room. When we found out we were pregnant with Harper, I planned on changing the room up-different bedding, different decal-I wanted Harper's room to be different because I'm my mind Charlie Brown and Snoopy was just Jonah's. But, when we lost Harper, I still had not taken down the Charlie Brown and Snoopy decal. As a matter of fact, I finally took it down when we turned the room into Everley's. 

Earlier today, thoughts of the day I found out Jonah's heart had stopped beating flooded my mind. I remember the emptiness I felt inside, I remember laying on my bed when I got home that night, holding my stomach and just sobbing. I remember taking a bath and just staring at my stomach and crying. I remember it all so clearly-as if it just happened. 

So tonight Everley wore her Snoopy shirt that I got my sister to make to match some pants she has, because it is precious and because I miss Jonah and I miss Harper today. 

I miss them everyday, but today the tears came as I thought about my Jonah and how much I wanted him and how devastated I was when I learned he had gone from me. 

It never does get easier to live with half of your heart here and the other half in Heaven.

My 29th Birthday

Today is my birthday-a day I share with my twin sister, Sarah. I can't even believe we are 29! Last year of my 20s...oh my.

Birthdays have always been special until three years ago. After I lost Jonah, I dreaded the arrival of my birthday because I had so been looking forward to holding my baby boy in my arms on my birthday, and every other day. So, after losing Harper too, every birthday since I have felt so sad. Sad because yet another year had passed and my arms were still empty and Heaven held more of my heart. 

I have found this year that my birthday is still hard, because Jonah and Harper are There and we are here, incomplete until our reunion in Heaven. I am sad that two little boys aren't running around the kitchen wanting me to blow out the candles on my cake. This day is so bittersweet this year.

On my birthday, I have spent the afternoon at Everley's four month well baby check-up. She cried and I teared up and I held her close...and while I hate to see her hurt, I am so glad that I can pull her close and feel her little body relax because she knows her mama is holding her and making things better. And that will get me through to my next birthday.

I am thrilled to death that Everley is sleeping peacefully in my arms as I type this, that my day has started and ended with me holding her. This year, my arms are not empty and for that I am so very thankful. 

Everley's First Time in Church

Yesterday we took Everley to church for the first time. She slept through the whole service and did so good! I got a little emotional when we stood up to show her to the congregation as I thought about how long we have been trying to bring a baby home and about how many times I imagined me and Aaron bringing our baby to church for the first time. So many Sundays I have sat in the pews of my church, shedding tears of sadness, overcome by the emptiness in my arms, overcome with longing for the two little boys that I had to give back. I can't put into words how deep the sting and how deep the hurt, the ache. And while the sadness is still here, because Jonah and Harper are not here, my tears yesterday were from my grief but more so from thankfulness. I was overcome with gratefulness that the God of the universe, Who is in the redeeming business, would bless us with this sweet little angel and allow us to raise her and to teach her about Him. My heart will ALWAYS ache for my boys and I will probably always post about that (sorry folks!). But to have been given three beautiful children and to have Everley in my arms right now...it's more than my heart can bear sometimes.

And since Everley is a little angel-it was only fitting that she looked like a precious angel on her first trip to church. Oh I love her so very much! 

We are so very blessed to call Everley ours!

Sweet Everley

Everley is eight weeks old y'all. These past eight weeks have been exhausting, full of joy and full of learning. When we first brought Everley home, she slept, ate and used the bathroom. Now she is awake more in the day and she smiles and coos at us, on top of all those other things. I can't even believe how she has grown. I am breastfeeding and to begin with, we had a hard time getting Everley to gain weight, especially the weight she lost before we got home from the hospital. We met with a Lactation Consultant here in Moultrie (not sure how she feels about her name being used on my blog!) and she has been a lifesaver! I would have surely given up if it hadn't been for her help and encouragement. Don't let anyone fool you: breastfeeding is hard! It gets better, but it is hard there for awhile. Anyways, Everley was 6lbs. 11oz. when she was born, she got down to 6lbs. 1oz. and now, eight weeks later, she is 8lbs 15oz. Just look at the difference in these pictures. I am so proud of us (breastfeeding almost whooped us) but I am so sad to see her grow so quick. The first picture is when we were getting in the car to leave the hospital. The second picture is from a couple days ago. I mean, I can't even...

 

 

 

We have so much fun with Everley. Just being with her and watching her learn the world around her is exciting. I look in her face and it brings tears to my eyes how perfect she is, how much she looks like Jonah and how innocent and precious she is. She has brought joy to our little family and she has made me miss Jonah and Harper even more. I am sad that I have missed (and will continue to miss) so many things with my boys, but I am so grateful that I do get to experience so many things with Everley.

 

Several people have been asking Aaron when they see him when I'm going to be getting Everley out and about. I promise the day is coming! We do get out some, but we usually go out of town and keep to ourselves. I have been waiting on Everley to get her first round of shots, which is in a couple of weeks. People think I'm crazy, but her pediatrician has even recommended we keep her away from large crowds until she has had her first set of shots. Crazy or not, I would rather be safe than sorry. Afterall, she is a precious gift that didn't come easy! We will be out and about soon enough.

 

For those of you still praying for us - we appreciate the prayers much more than you know.

 

 

Everley Carolina Willis

Last Tuesday, April 21, Everley Carolina Willis made her debut. We are so head over heels in love with her! We cannot believe that she is a whole week old already! This is what we have learned about her so far:

- This girl is a little pistol! She lets you know real quick what she does and does not like. I'm certain she will go far in life because she knows exactly what she wants.

- She does not flinch at all when Ruby or Bingo barks, she is so used to hearing them from the inside, it doesn't even phase her on the outside.

- She is so sweet and precious and she tugs at our heart strings constantly. We just sit around staring at her and crying.

- We have already been telling her about her brothers, Jonah and Harper. 

- She has strengthened our marriage even more. It never ceases to amaze me how much thought and careful planning God put into placing me and Aaron together. I always thought I knew what I would want and need in a husband, but thank God that He knew far better than me. Aaron Willis is quite the catch y'all-I can't even begin to tell y'all all the reasons why I love him so!

So, this is all I have for now. Things are a little crazy around here as we adjust to life with a newborn, but how we have longed for this for so long! Thank you all for your prayers and please keep them coming! Our hearts are so full because of God's faithfulness...three precious babies...three very precious gifts.

Update: 33 Weeks

I know it has been a really long time since I have posted an update. I have just been so busy holding my breath and trying to get things ready for Everley. I guess I haven't wanted to jinx how well things have been going either.

So, as the title of this post says, I am 33 weeks pregnant. Around 20-24 weeks, Everley was measuring a little small and she had me pretty worried because that is simply what I do best ;) and that is just what you do when you have gone through all that we have. But, by our next growth scan at 27 weeks, Everley had caught up for the most part and the maternal fetal medicine specialist that we were seeing released us because Everley was doing so well. I am going weekly for appointments with my regular OB doctor and for non-stress tests to keep an eye on Everley's heart rate and my uterus. Everley does not always like to cooperate for her non-stress tests so that makes my visits longer some days, but she is doing great, just keeping us on our toes!

Dr. Duffy, the reproductive endocrinologist that did my uterine surgery last May, has been keeping a check on me through his nurse, which is so nice! I actually got to talk to him this past weekend and he really helped to ease my mind about some things. I can't say it enough - I love Dr. Duffy! He is just the best!

We are so thankful for everyone's continued love and support. We have been blessed and comforted by your prayers and thoughts - please keep those coming! There are always two missing pieces, Jonah and Harper...and that is something we are troubled by on a daily basis. These last several weeks are sure to be filled with anxiety for us, even as we trust God with our precious Everley...we just can't believe we have made it this far, as this is the farthest we have ever been. We cannot wait to hold Everley in our arms!

I will leave y'all with a picture of Everley Carolina Willis and her precious lips and nose!

Life Looks So Different

I have been so sad the past couple of days. I have cried harder than I have in awhile. I am trusting God with Everley, but then again, I trusted God with Jonah and Harper, too. Trusting God does not somehow make me exempt from losing Everley. That's what is so hard for people to understand. I truly am doing the best I can. My faith does not mean I won't suffer or that I won't be sad or that I won't have moments in which I struggle to breathe. 

I miss Jonah and Harper so terribly. No pregnancy or birth after them will ever close up this gaping hole in my heart. No baby in my arms will ever make the longing for Jonah and Harper in my arms go away. Life looks so different without them. Things that others would never dream could hurt me or stop me dead in my tracks do just that. Some words and actions leave me gasping for breath through the tears that are choking me out. People don't have to say it but they leave me with the impression that since I've had surgery, we've found the problem and I'm pregnant now, well that fixes everything. Oh God, how I wish it could! 

Things are awkward. People don't mention Jonah or Harper because they don't want to upset me. Do you know what upsets me? The fact that if I utter their names, people start squirming uncomfortably. I know people don't know what to say to me or to Aaron and they don't know what to do around us. But do they think about how it feels to be us? We stuggle to make it through the day a lot of times. We struggle to reconcile the little joys of life with the extreme ache we feel in every moment. Every moment is so bittersweet. We don't know what to do or say around people.

Christmas is here and so are the gatherings with family and friends. In every get-together I am reminded that Jonah and Harper are missing. And I feel that no one else notices besides Aaron. I see Aaron playing with kids because he can choke it back far better than I can, and I see those kids light up because Aaron is so fun. And then I always feel the heat flood my cheeks and the tears that start to fill my eyes as I think about how much fun Jonah and Harper would've had with Aaron. And I just can't shake the sadness. It will never be easy to live without them here. It will always be complicated. It will always hover over every part of our life. And I wish I could be sorry for other people that this upsets, but I'm not. I'm not sorry that we've changed. I'm not sorry that loving and missing them means I can't do other things. Great love changes you. Children change you and even the relationships you have, whether your children are playing in the next room or sitting at the feet of Jesus waiting to see you again. We are forever changed and forever...just not the same. 

We are hopeful that Everley will get to come home. We are trusting God. We know that Everley will bring us so much joy amidst the pain. But that is exactly what it will be: joy amidst pain. She will make us smile and laugh and wonder how we ever lived without her. She will bring light and laughter back into our home. But we will also always be sad that she won't have her big brothers here to love on her and play with her. We will always be sad that our three babies won't get to share the experience of growing up together in a home where they were each prayed for and loved so deeply. 

Living between Heaven and Earth is exhausting. Especially when we are the only ones that notice. 

Dreary Day

I don't know if it's this dreary weather or the fact that Harper's birthday is quickly approaching, but I am missing Jonah and Harper extra today. And I'm not just missing the thought of them. I am missing the way they felt in my arms, like they belonged there...because they did. I am missing their precious features and tiny hands. The time we got to hold them was so short, yet I can't get those moments out of my head.

May 4

Fabric swatches from Jonah's bedding

May 4 was my due date with Jonah. And I am positive that no matter how many years pass by, that is the first thing that will come to my mind when I hear or see the date of May 4. It will always be the day that my Jonah was supposed to be in my arms. On May 4, 2012, Jonah had long been in the arms of The Lord, for three months to be exact. May 4 is a bittersweet day knowing Jonah is In Heaven and safe and loved...but oh how my arms ache on days like today.

What Trusting God Really Looks Like

I have found since losing Jonah and Harper that the hardest part for our friends and family members to accept is that we are no longer the same as we used to be. And I guess I get it, I mean, no one likes change and to see two people that you love very much suddenly act different, it is hard. I'm sure most people think that things would be "better" and "easier" if we could just be who we once were. We were once both so carefree. We were pretty down to earth and both very sociable people. Anxiety was never something I really struggled with. Losing Jonah and Harper changed all of that. 

There are things we see, things we feel, things we experience in this life that forever change us, no matter how much we might have wanted to stay the same as we were before. No matter how much others might have wanted us to stay the same as we once were. And, honestly, I find myself just at a loss sometimes. I mean, what do people really think life is supposed to look like after holding your dead and dying babies in your arms? Do people really expect us to walk through this life, like nothing happened at all? I really don't get how some people think. 

Me and Aaron have trusted God. We do trust God. We have poured our hearts and souls out to God, crying for mercy, begging for relief that simply can't be found this side of Heaven. God has walked with us and He continues to walk right beside us, and even before us. And, He knows our hearts. He knows that we are trusting in Him no matter how hard it is to reconcile holding dead and dying babies in our arms. He has always known that we would stumble down this path that we must tread. And, He has never once left us or told us we need to be the old versions of ourselves, back before our babies came and went and life as we knew it was forever thrown into question. 

I feel as if I'm rambling now, not making the point I set out to make....or making any point at all...

I think Angie Smith says it better than anyone else, when talking about living without her daughter, Audrey:

     "I cling to the fact that Audrey is in her eternal home, enjoying the favor of her Savior, completely at peace with Him as her Father. I believe it, but I can't honestly say that it always comforts me the way I wish it would. I say that because I know that some of you who are reading are in the same place I am. I know you long to drop a weight off your back and carry on with life in complete joy, never doubting that everything will be set right one day. It's not easy, and I would be lying if I said that when I sit in my sewing room stairing at the bloodstains on the collar of her little dress, I am immediately filled with peace because I know where she is. I am not. I want her to be here with me, and on many nights that truth has failed to fill the void. I have beaten myself up many times, wondering why I was moping around when she was perfectly happy. What kind of Christian am I? The answer is pretty simple actually. One who is human. We aren't going to feel whole in this life, and we will long for something we don't have. Something that will fill the nagging void that intermittently stings and knocks us to our knees. And all the while, Satan taunts us, telling us our faith is small. To hurt so deeply is a sign that we live in a fallen world, not that we serve a small God. To love Him in spite of our pain is a gift He freely gives to those who will accept it." - p. 173, from I Will Carry You by Angie Smith

"The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the faithful love of The Lord never ends! His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, 'the Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!' The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from The Lord. And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline: Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord's demands. Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last. Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. For no one is abandoned by The Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion because of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow." Lamentations 3:19-33 (NLT)

My God is SO mighty that He can use this messy, messy life that we are living to point back to His great faithfulness...SO mighty that He can make sense out of all of the confusion and complexities that come with burying our babies and trying to live in spite of it. Please continue to pray that we will not lose sight of God's faithfulness, especially on the hardest days. 

Bathrooms and Closed Doors

I have become all too familiar with bathrooms over the past two years. Bathrooms and closed doors. Or, at least this is the thought that ran through my mind last night when I found myself in yet another all too familiar bathroom, crying my eyes out.

Even two years later, the weight of loss that I carry gets to be too much at times. It doesn't creep up as often as it once did but, I still get overwhelmed and overcome by emotion...for no reason at all other than the fact that they are There and I am here. It is not just that we have been struggling for a year now through IVF treatments and disappointments and that we so desperately long for a child to love on this Earth, here with us, and that it has been so much harder than we ever dreamed. 

It is Jonah's 2lb. frame, his dark brown hair and precious little lips and nose. It is Harper's chest rising and falling with each breath he took and his precious little fingers that somehow grabbed my heart when I held his hand. Yes. Those little boys are what overwhelms me. Their beauty and innocence. How they are missing from every picture, every pew I sit on, every place I go and every breath I breathe. Their absence, that is what will overwhelm me forever.

The Stillness

There are moments when the absence of little ones in my home screams at me. I am always very aware, but times like tonight, the absence sits with me and doesn't want to leave. As the day winds down and I have loads of laundry going and I'm caught up on all my household chores, I am reminded that I should be doing something else. 

I should be giving my little boys baths and putting their pjs on, reading bedtime stories and getting them ready for bed...not thinking about the stillness that settles in after dinner. 

Jonah: Two Years

Happy Birthday in Heaven Jonah! I can't believe it has been two years since we held you in our arms. I remember how perfect you were, how "wonderfully made" you were (Psalm 139:14). Your face flashes in my mind constantly...you were so beautiful, Jonah...

Mama and Daddy sent up a floating lantern to you today and we watched it until it burned out. We miss you more than words can say...you and your little brother, Harper. 

Can't wait to celebrate your birthdays with you up there. I love you so much my precious Jonah...

Flowers for the Cemetery

During my senior year of high school, I took a class called Floral Design. Doc Griner taught the class and it was fun and laid back. I never realized back then how much I would use the skills I learned in that class. In fact, I never really thought I would use those skills at all. Oh, but I do now.

I've gotten pretty good at getting the right amount of flowers and other things needed for each arrangement...I never wind up short of a flower or glue stick or filler. I guess I've gotten that good. Now, picking the right flowers out at the store always bogs me down. I get overwhelmed with the fact that I am picking the "perfect" flowers for my sons' graves...and nothing is "perfect" about that. I swear everytime I feel like I could have a breakdown right there in Hobby Lobby or Michael's. Every. Single. Time.

I get really "in the zone" when I am putting together these flower arrangements. It is only when I finish them and I look at my handiwork that a wave of sadness rushes over me. Sad that the only way I can care for my boys this side of Heaven is by making arrangements for their graves. Sad that this is what I get to do in exchange for late night snuggles and early morning kisses with silly little boys who have captured my heart. Sad that no arrangement I could ever make will ever be as beautiful as the memories we would have made or the laughter we would have shared.

Pressing On

I went into 2013 hopeful because hope was all I had. In February 2013, we began the Invitro-fertilization process with Kristi, our gestational carrier. We had no earthly idea just how bumpy the road was going to be. Somewhere between negative pregnancy tests, methotrexate injections, hurtful things said by those that should be the most understanding of all and roughly $40,000, I started to lose all of the hope I had ever started off with.

And I find that I have already stepped into 2014. And there is still no baby in my arms or on the way. And this ache I feel deep in my chest for Jonah and Harper is only heavier. The longing to pull Heaven and Earth closer together is stronger within me than ever before.

But press on I must...and press on I will. God is not done with us in this place. And I can only praise God for this, for His provisions. I can only thank Him for showing us mercy and grace when we feel like the walls are closing in all around us.

In 2014 we all (Kristi, Eric, Aaron and myself) need your prayers to continue.  We have felt your prayers as they have given us the strength to make it through some of the hardest days. I mean...really, really hard days y'all.

Here's to 2014...one more year of longing for my boys...but hopefully the first of many with a very prayed for, already loved Baby Willis.

Abby

One Year Without Harper

One year has passed since I gave birth and said goodbye to Harper. One. Whole. Year. That doesn't even seem possible. How can a year have passed when I can close my eyes and be back in Gainesville at Shands in such pain, holding sweet little bitty Harper? Just how in the world can it be?

My mind keeps going back to the traumatic events on October 18 and 19, 2012...and I still can't believe all that took place...and that I survived all of it. And I can't believe that my arms are empty and heavy at the same time. And I know that people can't understand what I mean when I say that.

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Harper...even though it is not a happy day down here for me and Daddy. Today we are broken more than usual and hurting just as much as we were hurting a year ago. I know you and Jonah are celebrating together and I can't wait until the day that I can hold you two close and we are all together again! It is much too hard without you two, especially on days like today...

Nagging Sadness

I have had this nagging, sad feeling all weekend, including today. I mean relentless nagging. I am haunted by my experiences. My heart has been heavy with loss, heavy with longing for sweet Jonah and Harper and the child that I wonder if God will ever see fit to bless me with.  

I had every intention of not blogging about my sadness, for fear of ruining everyone's week, or at least everyone's Monday. But, on my way home from work today I heard a song on the radio with the lyrics, 

"You make all things work together for my good...You stay the same through the ages. Your Love never changes." 

It is amazing to me that no matter how broken down I am, no matter how scattered about I feel, God's Love never changes and He never gives up on me as I stumble to carry this heavy, heavy cross.

There is a sadness that follows me and it always will until the day I see Jonah and Harper again. Nothing can change that. But I know that God is using this horrible pain and sadness to bring glory to His Name. No, I would never have chosen it for myself. But in these broken days, I am learning to cling to my Father as He is the only One Who can get me through.

And seeing that my blog has had more than 13,000 views is simply God whispering to me, "I am working things out for your good, Abby...even though it hurts, even though it stings..."