It is with an extremely broken and discouraged heart that I tell you that the blood pregnancy test was negative. There will not be a baby for us in December 2013 as a result of this IVF cycle. I have typed this post a couple of times, not exactly sure how to convey the feelings in my heart. I am not sure if I can really convey to you how devastated this news has left us feeling. We have known the results for a few days now and we have been taking it all in, wrestling with it, keeping it to ourselves.
When I got the phone call from Dr. Winslow's office and found out that the blood pregnancy test was negative, I went to a dark place...a place I have visited too often since the beginning of last year. I was hurt and confused and let-down. I am so sick of the disappointment...really. How in the world was I supposed to tell Aaron that this did not work? How in the world was I going to be able to tell everyone through this blog that despite their prayers and outpouring of love, it did not work?
Friends, please hear these words: We know God has put the desire for a child in our hearts, no one else! And, we know God has a plan and that He knows best and we are trusting in Him...but this still stings...we are still very sad, mad, hurt and discouraged. And I know God "gets" that. We are so heavy-hearted, for anyone to shrug this off and encourage us to "get over it" and just "move on" is crazy! We have invested a lot of time, money and emotion into this process over the past couple of months. Every disappointment is just that: one more disappointment to add to our list...one more thing to make this longing for Jonah and Harper being with us even stronger. It feels as if with every negative result, our desire for a child grows stronger and stronger...this makes it harder to swallow the lump in my throat. This makes me cry out to God, "Why?!" for a million different reasons. This makes my heart hurt even deeper.
We need your prayers. If we cross your mind, I am not below begging you to drop to your knees in prayer for us! We are hurt and broken...please pray for restoration. We are confused as to what this means for us...please pray for God's guidance in our lives.
We will be talking with Dr. Winslow next week and hopefully figuring out the details of going through this whole process again. We really thought that we only had this one chance. But, because of God's provision for us, this is not the end of our journey with IVF with Kristi or our journey to bring a living baby home! Because of God's Mercy and Grace, we still have hope. But friends...this is not easy. In fact, besides leaving the hospital twice without my baby in my arms, this is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Please, please pray for us...
Dr. Winslow called me the following Tuesday. He told me that of the ten eggs that were retrieved, six eggs fertilized, forming embryos. Dr. Winslow wanted to do a three-day-transfer. So, Aaron, Eric, Kristi and I loaded up and went to Jacksonville for the transfer. Dr. Winslow talked to all four of us about the quality of the embryos. After the doctors at F.I.R.M. watched my embryos around the clock, some of them stopped growing. Ultimately, we were left with only two embryos that could be used. There were no embryos left over to be cryopreserved in case this fresh cycle does not work. I would be lying if I told you this didn't upset me. It sent chills up my spine to know that we have already spent around $24,000 just on the IVF with a Gestational Carrier part (not counting our legal contract) and this is basically our one shot.
Dr. Winslow transfered the two embryos, this simply increases our chances of becoming pregnant at all. After the transfer, Kristi had to stay laying down in the office for 30 minutes. We then loaded up and rode down the road to the hotel. Kristi had to be on bedrest the rest of the day, with her hips elevated (with a bunch of pillows) so me and Kristi hung out in the hotel room all day just talking and watching TV. Aaron and Eric had big plans :)! They went to see a movie and all kinds of stuff! Don't worry though, they brought us meals and snacks! They ended their fun that night at Dave & Buster's arcade. I am thankful that Eric was able to go, to keep Aaron company and to just let Aaron have fun. Between this past year and Aaron's job lately, he needed to get-away and enjoy himself.
We traveled back home the next day and Kristi took it easy the rest of the week and the following weekend. We have had to endure a two-week wait before we could have Kristi's blood draw to find out if we were pregnant. This two-week wait is coming to an end so please stay tuned...
The HCG trigger shot is a shot that must be given no more and no less than 35-39 hours before the egg retrieval. This is the last step, so that the eggs can reach maturation. My trigger shot happened on Good Friday...and it was anything but good!
I was nervous all day about that dang shot! I had to take it at 10:00 p.m. sharp that night. We met Sarah and Clint at a restuarant in town to eat supper after our Good Friday service at church. We got there at 9:00 p.m. so me and Sarah sat in the car while Aaron and Clint went in to get a table. My intentions were to mix up my medicine so that it would be ready so all we had to do was go out to the car and pop it in at 10:00 p.m. sharp. Nothing ever goes as planned for me. I had a full-out melt down because I injected air instead of water, the whole time thinking I had injected water, to my medicine! I mean, I was quickly unraveling in front of Sarah and Aaron, who had ventured back outside wondering what was taking me so long. But God always provides and He has blessed me with a dear, sweet friend since losing Jonah. This friend rushed to save the day and met me in the parking lot and mixed my medicine up for me, reassuring me that I had not messed anything up. Even so, I could not stop shaking until Aaron gave me my injection at 10:00 p.m. So, if you saw me and Aaron shooting up in the parking lot of a local restuarant on Good Friday, now you know ;)!
The retrieval was Easter Sunday and to say I was nervous would be an understatement! Me and Aaron went up the night before so that we could be there bright and early. I was taken to a triage-like room and I had to get my pretty gown and socks and hairnet on. I waited probably 30 minutes after this before they took me to the operating room and the longer I sat there, the more anxious I became. I just wanted this part to be over. Once the retrieval was over and I woke up from anesthesia, the nurses around me told me that the doctor was able to retrieve 10 eggs! I busted out crying because I was so thrilled that they got more than I thought they would!
I went home to rest that day, I was in quite a good bit of pain. I also laid around the house the next day too because I still wasn't feeling all that great. I was able to return to work that Tuesday, anxiously awaiting Dr. Winslow to call me and tell me how our embryos were looking and what the plan would be. More on this tomorrow!
During one of my trips to Jacksonville, I found out some discouraging news. I had been taking injections for about seven days. Dr. Winslow came in and did the usual vaginal ultrasound to check and see how much progress I had made since my last visit. I still only had eight follicles (the eggs grow inside of follicles). I was a little bummed and confused. Dr. Winslow went on to tell me that people with uterine anomalies (which is what a bicornuate uterus is) generally have lower ovarian egg reserves. Here's a quick little bit of info for you, in case you don't know: baby girls are born with all the eggs they will EVER produce. EVER. So, if you have a bicornuate uterus, it is highly likely that you were not born with as many eggs as "normal" people. So, not only do I have a deformed uterus, but I don't have very many eggs. I mean, I went into everything thinking that it was highly likely that they would retrieve around 26 eggs. Now I am faced with the harsh reality that there might only be eight or less if some of the follicles that are there now mature too quickly. IVF is stressful and so unpredictable. We continue to covet your prayers on this hard road.
The past weekend has left me feeling defeated, and this feeling has carried over to this week. A lot of different things are to blame, but they are not important to note here. I have been mulling over what exactly to post today, as this process continues to take place. But I am at a loss. The discouragement that has invaded my heart and mind these past few days begs my attention, so much so that I cannot think of anything else. Everytime I post on this blog, my intent is to be uplifting, but I find that it is hard to lift others up when you are so low yourself. I am trying to stay positive but it is SO hard for me to do after losing Jonah and Harper. Me and Aaron are tired, anxious, exhausted in many different ways and scared. I know a lot of this is just the Devil trying to invade and bring us down...and He is doing a pretty good job! So friends, please pray for us! Please pray for me and Aaron, and Kristi and Eric. While this journey is full of laughter (Aaron & Eric have loads of jokes!), it is nothing short of painful, physically and mentally, for all of us. So, please pray for us!
I know I promised to post about my medicines last week, but it has been super crazy/busy around here! I keep my promises, even if they are late :), so here is the low down.
I am taking Bravelle and Menopur daily as an injection. These two medicines stimulate my ovaries so that my body will produce as many eggs as possible so that once it is time to harvest the eggs, we will only have to do this part once (hopefully!). To take Bravelle and Menopur, I have to mix a vial of sodium chloride with however many vials of Bravelle and Menopur that Dr. Winslow tells me to. As I go to my appointments every couple of days, Dr. Winslow tells me whether to increase the amount of medicine or decrease the amount of medicine that I am taking. It all depends on what he sees on the ultrasound. After several days of taking the Bravelle and Menopur, I started taking Cetrotide once a day as an injection also. Cetrotide delays the release of my eggs until Dr. Winslow thinks they are ready to be retrieved. This all sounds so overwhelming because...it is! But, I am so thankful that Dr. Winslow knows what he is doing!
Aaron has been giving me the injections, even though I was scared to begin with. I have never been a wuss about things before, but let me just tell you about that first injection: WOW! I had a mental break-down for sure! I was in tears and it took me probably 30 minutes to get myself psyched-up enough to let Aaron give it to me! It wasn't just the injection itself, it was the combination of the injection, why I'm even having to do this...just everything all rolled into one! But, I made it through that first injection and then I made it through the second one, not much better than the first one. These injections are not too terrible but they do burn really badly as the medicine goes in.
Aaron is a pretty good stick :). Who would have ever thought that?! He is actually my favorite shot-giver. My Mama has given me some of my injections as well but I'll be honest, it does not feel too good when she does (sorry, Mama!) because it feels like she pushes the medicine in as slow as she possibly can. Sarah has given me two injections and she did pretty good, too. I know she was pretty nervous!
A lot of people have been asking me when the retrieval is and when the transfer will be. We know that we are loved and prayed for and thought of so much and we know that so many people want this to work so that we can have a living child. We are so grateful for this! But losing Jonah and Harper has made us very aware that so many things can go wrong in a pregnancy. I mean, a healthy child is truly a miracle. So, we have decided not to share with others when the retrieval or the transfer will be, we are not 100% sure when these two events will be anyways. We do plan on sharing with everyone what happens eventually, just not immediately. We do this to protect our sanity, so we hope that people will understand our hearts. When the time is appropriate, we will fill everyone in. We ask that people would please not try to pick us for information. This means me and Aaron, our families, Kristi and her family, close friends, etc. We need some element of privacy in all of this because if we do get pregnant, while it will be a happy time, it will also be a scary time for me and Aaron, this is simply what losing two babies will do to you. And if we do not get pregnant, we will be disappointed and I am sure that people could understand our need for privacy.
The process is still on-going so we hope that you will all keep praying us through this! There are many more things that still have to take place!
Yesterday was our IVF start day and I had every intention of blogging about the day last night. But, by the time I got home I wanted nothing more than to take a long, hot bath to wash away the awful day that I had, so that is what I did.
My appointment in Jacksonville yesterday was at 9:45am. Aaron and I got up and left our house around 6:45am. Aaron drove and I rode in the passenger seat. Once we got to Valdosta, we stopped at Starbucks for breakfast and then we continued on our journey. The first thing that went wrong was my cake pop. I cannot resist the Salted Caramel cake pops from Starbucks! So, when I saw that they had them yesterday morning (because they don't always!) I had to get one. I ate it in the car and I enjoyed every minute of it :). Then, probably 30 minutes later, I noticed that I had dropped some cake pop on my pants and smeared it in, not knowing it was there. That made me mad! Here it was IVF start day and I was going to see Dr. Winslow with cake pop smeared jeans. Of course. But, thanks to some wipes I had in my car, I was able to get the smear off of my pants, so my meltdown was over.
The whole cake pop fiasco happened and then I decided to text Kristi (my gestational carrier) or text her back, I can't remember which one it was. So, I have my head propped-up on the top of my passenger side door and I am texting away, oblivious to anything around me. Aaron has been working a lot these days. He gets up every single morning at 5:45am and sometimes he doesn't get home until after 7:00pm. He stays worried about the store that he manages. When he is not there, say on IVF start day, he is worried about the store and his workers because anything that goes on in the day-to-day operations reflects on him, whether he is there or not. Add in there that me and Aaron are both so physically and mentally exhausted because of everything that has happened in the past year, and that leaves you with some pretty wore-out people. When your mind is constantly reeling, thinking about everything that has happened and everything that we have to do in order to have a baby one day, it really can wear you out mentally.
So, back to where I was. I was texting away to Kristi with my head propped on the passenger door. Aaron and I had just been talking about my stupid cake pop just a moment before. Next thing I know, I hear a crash right at my head. Aaron had dozed off for just one second behind the wheel and drifted over the line. We ran into the side of a box truck. I was absolutely hysterical! I was so upset and crying so hard I felt like I was going to vomit. Aaron was just in complete shock and he was pretty upset that he had upset me so much. We pulled over to the side of the road (all the while I am extremely worked-up) and Aaron got out to speak with the guy we ran into. The man was so nice, his truck was not hurt in any way and he was just glad everyone was okay. Aaron gave him his name and number in case he needed to get in touch with him if there were any problems and we called Robbie, our State Farm Insurance agent. My car was still driveable. The passenger side door was messed up, the side mirror and door handle had been ripped off, there was a huge gash in the side of the door/the fender area, and the door and window just wouldn't even open. We are so blessed to still be alive and so blessed that it wasn't worse. It could have been so much worse than it was.
We continued on to my doctor's appointment, even though I was an emotional wreck! I was already nervous about this appointment so when we had our fender-bender, it did not help me at all. We made it to our appointment on time and waited for awhile. Once they called us back, they did bloodwork on me, to check my hormone levels. If your hormone levels are too high, they will not want to start you on the medicines yet, so this is why they do bloodwork at this visit. The sweet girls in the lab accidentally drew Aaron's blood and made him give a urine sample. He has to do this closer to the date of the actual embryo transfer so it was just a waste. Poor guy!
Next up was my vaginal ultrasound with Dr. Winslow. The reason he does this is to look at my ovaries and make sure that there aren't any cysts or anything else going on that he should be aware of. If there is anything going on, he would not want me to start the medicines until things were quiet in my ovaries. But, everything looked great so I was given the go-ahead. We met with Nan, the IVF Coordinator, to go over how to administer the injections one more time and then my appointment was over.
We headed back to Moultrie, wide-awake, and we went straight to Enterprise to pick up a rental car and then we dropped my wrecked car off at Robert Hutson Paint & Body. When we finally got home, I just sat on the couch thinking about the day until it was time for my first injection. I was SO nervous! I will post a blog later on this week to tell you all about the injections.
So, we have "officially" started IVF! It was a whirlwind of a day that's for sure! Despite everything that happened and how mad and sad and nervous I was about the wreck and the actual appointment, I feel the prayers! I have asked you all to specifically pray for me and Aaron's relationship because this whole process as well as living with the loss of our boys is stressful on our marriage. Through the wreck we had, the appointment and Aaron giving me my first injection, I have seen just how much Aaron cares for me and how much he is worried about me. Poor Aaron felt so bad about dozing off and crossing the line. And then, to see me struggle when it was time for the first injection (more on this later), I think it has been a little too much for him. Aaron worries about me, about all the things that has to take place with my body for the IVF and about how losing Jonah and Harper has affected me. I know it is not easy for him to watch me go through all of these awful things, that involve my body, knowing there isn't anything he can do. Please believe me when I say that I could have never found another man like Aaron Willis :). It is because of this deep love we have for one another that we wanted a child to begin with.
