I Am

I first heard the song, "I Am" by Crowder a couple of weeks ago on the radio one afternoon. The words of the chorus have been playing in my head ever since: "I am holding on to You. In the middle of the storm, I am holding on to You."
Life is full of storms and these storms look different for each of us. I am clinging to my Father just like this song says in the midst of this never ending storm that I seem to be in the middle of. I pray that the words of this song will speak to your heart, whatever storm you may be facing.

 

 

And...your prayers are still very much needed and appreciated! If we cross your mind, please pray for us.

Bathrooms and Closed Doors

I have become all too familiar with bathrooms over the past two years. Bathrooms and closed doors. Or, at least this is the thought that ran through my mind last night when I found myself in yet another all too familiar bathroom, crying my eyes out.

Even two years later, the weight of loss that I carry gets to be too much at times. It doesn't creep up as often as it once did but, I still get overwhelmed and overcome by emotion...for no reason at all other than the fact that they are There and I am here. It is not just that we have been struggling for a year now through IVF treatments and disappointments and that we so desperately long for a child to love on this Earth, here with us, and that it has been so much harder than we ever dreamed. 

It is Jonah's 2lb. frame, his dark brown hair and precious little lips and nose. It is Harper's chest rising and falling with each breath he took and his precious little fingers that somehow grabbed my heart when I held his hand. Yes. Those little boys are what overwhelms me. Their beauty and innocence. How they are missing from every picture, every pew I sit on, every place I go and every breath I breathe. Their absence, that is what will overwhelm me forever.

The Stillness

There are moments when the absence of little ones in my home screams at me. I am always very aware, but times like tonight, the absence sits with me and doesn't want to leave. As the day winds down and I have loads of laundry going and I'm caught up on all my household chores, I am reminded that I should be doing something else. 

I should be giving my little boys baths and putting their pjs on, reading bedtime stories and getting them ready for bed...not thinking about the stillness that settles in after dinner. 

Jonah: Two Years

Happy Birthday in Heaven Jonah! I can't believe it has been two years since we held you in our arms. I remember how perfect you were, how "wonderfully made" you were (Psalm 139:14). Your face flashes in my mind constantly...you were so beautiful, Jonah...

Mama and Daddy sent up a floating lantern to you today and we watched it until it burned out. We miss you more than words can say...you and your little brother, Harper. 

Can't wait to celebrate your birthdays with you up there. I love you so much my precious Jonah...

Flowers for the Cemetery

During my senior year of high school, I took a class called Floral Design. Doc Griner taught the class and it was fun and laid back. I never realized back then how much I would use the skills I learned in that class. In fact, I never really thought I would use those skills at all. Oh, but I do now.

I've gotten pretty good at getting the right amount of flowers and other things needed for each arrangement...I never wind up short of a flower or glue stick or filler. I guess I've gotten that good. Now, picking the right flowers out at the store always bogs me down. I get overwhelmed with the fact that I am picking the "perfect" flowers for my sons' graves...and nothing is "perfect" about that. I swear everytime I feel like I could have a breakdown right there in Hobby Lobby or Michael's. Every. Single. Time.

I get really "in the zone" when I am putting together these flower arrangements. It is only when I finish them and I look at my handiwork that a wave of sadness rushes over me. Sad that the only way I can care for my boys this side of Heaven is by making arrangements for their graves. Sad that this is what I get to do in exchange for late night snuggles and early morning kisses with silly little boys who have captured my heart. Sad that no arrangement I could ever make will ever be as beautiful as the memories we would have made or the laughter we would have shared.

One More Thing

I am reading the daily devotional series at SheReadsTruth.com. This image and the words in it were part of today's devotional. I thought it kind of went hand-in-hand with my previous post. We are definitely called to love one another with "a real and costly love," as we help each other along the way to eternity in Heaven. And those special friends I was talking about in my last post....that is eaxactly what they are doing :).

                          

Special Friends Along the Way

I woke up this morning feeling like death. Really, like hacking up a lung, throat burning death. My voice has been all messed up for almost a week but today when I woke up I was feeling pretty rough. I think it is a sinus infection and I am hoping this antibiotic will clear it right up. Either way, I have been home all day snuggling with these cuties:

Sweet Ruby

Crazy Bingo

As I have snuggled with my little buddies today :), I have been thinking about a lot of things. I know I usually get on here and vent about how unfair things are and my posts are not usually the most positive things. I don't regret this fact, because I want to keep things real. But, today my post is different.

After I lost Jonah, I became friends with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Friends who have walked in my shoes...or at least shoes that look an awful lot like my own. Friends who understood how difficult it was and still is to put one foot in front of the other. Friends who knew just what to say to me because they knew the feelings of brokenness that I felt and still feel. And then I lost Harper and met a couple more beautiful people who have been in my same kind of shoes as well. These sweet friends that I have met along the way are God's way of showing me that I may suffer in this life but it is not in vain. I may feel absolutely alone and helpless, but He is there, giving me the encouragement and strength I need. And I have been surprised by how many times He uses these special friends in my life to help me along my way.

It is so easy for me to think about and post about all that has gone wrong. But I am constantly amazed by how much God has blessed me and Aaron along this journey. Precious friends who support us both near and far...even precious friends that I have never met face to face, that are willing to be obedient to God's tugs on their hearts to pray...I mean really pray...and to rally around us in many different forms. I mean, these precious friends are so amazing in so many different ways, but they don't see it that way, I know. They will never know how much they have impacted me and how much strength I draw from their testimonies and their constant encouragement.

To my very dear friends (you know who you are), I can't wait until the day that we get to see our precious children's faces in Heaven...I am so thankful that the heartache we have had to endure has brought us together...something good out of all of the hurt.