When I got the phone call from Dr. Winslow's office and found out that the blood pregnancy test was negative, I went to a dark place...a place I have visited too often since the beginning of last year. I was hurt and confused and let-down. I am so sick of the disappointment...really. How in the world was I supposed to tell Aaron that this did not work? How in the world was I going to be able to tell everyone through this blog that despite their prayers and outpouring of love, it did not work?
Friends, please hear these words: We know God has put the desire for a child in our hearts, no one else! And, we know God has a plan and that He knows best and we are trusting in Him...but this still stings...we are still very sad, mad, hurt and discouraged. And I know God "gets" that. We are so heavy-hearted, for anyone to shrug this off and encourage us to "get over it" and just "move on" is crazy! We have invested a lot of time, money and emotion into this process over the past couple of months. Every disappointment is just that: one more disappointment to add to our list...one more thing to make this longing for Jonah and Harper being with us even stronger. It feels as if with every negative result, our desire for a child grows stronger and stronger...this makes it harder to swallow the lump in my throat. This makes me cry out to God, "Why?!" for a million different reasons. This makes my heart hurt even deeper.
We need your prayers. If we cross your mind, I am not below begging you to drop to your knees in prayer for us! We are hurt and broken...please pray for restoration. We are confused as to what this means for us...please pray for God's guidance in our lives.
We will be talking with Dr. Winslow next week and hopefully figuring out the details of going through this whole process again. We really thought that we only had this one chance. But, because of God's provision for us, this is not the end of our journey with IVF with Kristi or our journey to bring a living baby home! Because of God's Mercy and Grace, we still have hope. But friends...this is not easy. In fact, besides leaving the hospital twice without my baby in my arms, this is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Please, please pray for us...
Though I, as well, do not understand these disappointments in life I DO know that God's grace IS sufficient -- only that carries us through some places in our lives. You will be in my husband's & my prayers every single time you come to my heart, I will pray that God will hold you strongly in your grievous hours & that He WILL restore the joy to your lives.
ReplyDeleteTony & Kathy Parker
Norman Park First Baptist
Oh no what a huge disappointment! I'm so sorry it didn't work this time. Praying for you and your sweet mama heart. <3
ReplyDeleteAbby you and Aaron never give up .Ivf WILL work for y'all this next time.praying for yall
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you. You don't know me, but I have been following your blog posts and praying for you. My heart is broken for you. I have not experienced the same loss as you, but I do know how hard it is to deal with infertility. My husband and I tried for three years to get pregnant, and we finally did when I completely released it to God. I told him, "You are the one who put this desire in my heart, and you either need to take it away or give me a baby." A few weeks after that prayer, I found out I was pregnant. We were happy beyond anything I can describe. Then seven weeks into my pregnancy, I found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy. To say I was devastated would be the understatement of the year. That pain is still very raw every time I think about it. When I read your post, I was taken back to that day seventeen years ago. I'll never forget that day. It was also the day that O.J. Simpson was pronounced not guilty. I was really feeling like life was no fair, and that there was no justice in this world.
ReplyDeleteThen the doctor told me that we had to wait six months to try again. It might have well been a thousand years the way I was feeling. Why am I telling you this? Two reasons. I want you to know that someone cares and feels your pain. I also want you to know that six months later I was pregnant again. My oldest son will be seventeen in November. I also have a twelve year old son. We haven't used birth control in twenty years, so I count both my sons as true miracles from God. The one thing that gives me peace to this day is that my oldest son would never have been born if my other child had been. I can't imagine my life without him. I am praying that the next time will work for you.
There are some things in life that we will just never understand, but hold on to your faith in God. He will bring you through this.
I'm so sorry, Abby. It's been a few weeks since you posted, I hope you're doing ok... There's no 'getting over' these losses. Just time passing by and eventually they get easier to carry. Again, I am so, so sorry. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and praying for peace and strength.
ReplyDelete~Courtney Norman