It is with an extremely broken and discouraged heart that I tell you that the blood pregnancy test was negative. There will not be a baby for us in December 2013 as a result of this IVF cycle. I have typed this post a couple of times, not exactly sure how to convey the feelings in my heart. I am not sure if I can really convey to you how devastated this news has left us feeling. We have known the results for a few days now and we have been taking it all in, wrestling with it, keeping it to ourselves.
When I got the phone call from Dr. Winslow's office and found out that the blood pregnancy test was negative, I went to a dark place...a place I have visited too often since the beginning of last year. I was hurt and confused and let-down. I am so sick of the disappointment...really. How in the world was I supposed to tell Aaron that this did not work? How in the world was I going to be able to tell everyone through this blog that despite their prayers and outpouring of love, it did not work?
Friends, please hear these words: We know God has put the desire for a child in our hearts, no one else! And, we know God has a plan and that He knows best and we are trusting in Him...but this still stings...we are still very sad, mad, hurt and discouraged. And I know God "gets" that. We are so heavy-hearted, for anyone to shrug this off and encourage us to "get over it" and just "move on" is crazy! We have invested a lot of time, money and emotion into this process over the past couple of months. Every disappointment is just that: one more disappointment to add to our list...one more thing to make this longing for Jonah and Harper being with us even stronger. It feels as if with every negative result, our desire for a child grows stronger and stronger...this makes it harder to swallow the lump in my throat. This makes me cry out to God, "Why?!" for a million different reasons. This makes my heart hurt even deeper.
We need your prayers. If we cross your mind, I am not below begging you to drop to your knees in prayer for us! We are hurt and broken...please pray for restoration. We are confused as to what this means for us...please pray for God's guidance in our lives.
We will be talking with Dr. Winslow next week and hopefully figuring out the details of going through this whole process again. We really thought that we only had this one chance. But, because of God's provision for us, this is not the end of our journey with IVF with Kristi or our journey to bring a living baby home! Because of God's Mercy and Grace, we still have hope. But friends...this is not easy. In fact, besides leaving the hospital twice without my baby in my arms, this is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Please, please pray for us...
Dr. Winslow called me the following Tuesday. He told me that of the ten eggs that were retrieved, six eggs fertilized, forming embryos. Dr. Winslow wanted to do a three-day-transfer. So, Aaron, Eric, Kristi and I loaded up and went to Jacksonville for the transfer. Dr. Winslow talked to all four of us about the quality of the embryos. After the doctors at F.I.R.M. watched my embryos around the clock, some of them stopped growing. Ultimately, we were left with only two embryos that could be used. There were no embryos left over to be cryopreserved in case this fresh cycle does not work. I would be lying if I told you this didn't upset me. It sent chills up my spine to know that we have already spent around $24,000 just on the IVF with a Gestational Carrier part (not counting our legal contract) and this is basically our one shot.
Dr. Winslow transfered the two embryos, this simply increases our chances of becoming pregnant at all. After the transfer, Kristi had to stay laying down in the office for 30 minutes. We then loaded up and rode down the road to the hotel. Kristi had to be on bedrest the rest of the day, with her hips elevated (with a bunch of pillows) so me and Kristi hung out in the hotel room all day just talking and watching TV. Aaron and Eric had big plans :)! They went to see a movie and all kinds of stuff! Don't worry though, they brought us meals and snacks! They ended their fun that night at Dave & Buster's arcade. I am thankful that Eric was able to go, to keep Aaron company and to just let Aaron have fun. Between this past year and Aaron's job lately, he needed to get-away and enjoy himself.
We traveled back home the next day and Kristi took it easy the rest of the week and the following weekend. We have had to endure a two-week wait before we could have Kristi's blood draw to find out if we were pregnant. This two-week wait is coming to an end so please stay tuned...
The HCG trigger shot is a shot that must be given no more and no less than 35-39 hours before the egg retrieval. This is the last step, so that the eggs can reach maturation. My trigger shot happened on Good Friday...and it was anything but good!
I was nervous all day about that dang shot! I had to take it at 10:00 p.m. sharp that night. We met Sarah and Clint at a restuarant in town to eat supper after our Good Friday service at church. We got there at 9:00 p.m. so me and Sarah sat in the car while Aaron and Clint went in to get a table. My intentions were to mix up my medicine so that it would be ready so all we had to do was go out to the car and pop it in at 10:00 p.m. sharp. Nothing ever goes as planned for me. I had a full-out melt down because I injected air instead of water, the whole time thinking I had injected water, to my medicine! I mean, I was quickly unraveling in front of Sarah and Aaron, who had ventured back outside wondering what was taking me so long. But God always provides and He has blessed me with a dear, sweet friend since losing Jonah. This friend rushed to save the day and met me in the parking lot and mixed my medicine up for me, reassuring me that I had not messed anything up. Even so, I could not stop shaking until Aaron gave me my injection at 10:00 p.m. So, if you saw me and Aaron shooting up in the parking lot of a local restuarant on Good Friday, now you know ;)!
The retrieval was Easter Sunday and to say I was nervous would be an understatement! Me and Aaron went up the night before so that we could be there bright and early. I was taken to a triage-like room and I had to get my pretty gown and socks and hairnet on. I waited probably 30 minutes after this before they took me to the operating room and the longer I sat there, the more anxious I became. I just wanted this part to be over. Once the retrieval was over and I woke up from anesthesia, the nurses around me told me that the doctor was able to retrieve 10 eggs! I busted out crying because I was so thrilled that they got more than I thought they would!
I went home to rest that day, I was in quite a good bit of pain. I also laid around the house the next day too because I still wasn't feeling all that great. I was able to return to work that Tuesday, anxiously awaiting Dr. Winslow to call me and tell me how our embryos were looking and what the plan would be. More on this tomorrow!
During one of my trips to Jacksonville, I found out some discouraging news. I had been taking injections for about seven days. Dr. Winslow came in and did the usual vaginal ultrasound to check and see how much progress I had made since my last visit. I still only had eight follicles (the eggs grow inside of follicles). I was a little bummed and confused. Dr. Winslow went on to tell me that people with uterine anomalies (which is what a bicornuate uterus is) generally have lower ovarian egg reserves. Here's a quick little bit of info for you, in case you don't know: baby girls are born with all the eggs they will EVER produce. EVER. So, if you have a bicornuate uterus, it is highly likely that you were not born with as many eggs as "normal" people. So, not only do I have a deformed uterus, but I don't have very many eggs. I mean, I went into everything thinking that it was highly likely that they would retrieve around 26 eggs. Now I am faced with the harsh reality that there might only be eight or less if some of the follicles that are there now mature too quickly. IVF is stressful and so unpredictable. We continue to covet your prayers on this hard road.
The past weekend has left me feeling defeated, and this feeling has carried over to this week. A lot of different things are to blame, but they are not important to note here. I have been mulling over what exactly to post today, as this process continues to take place. But I am at a loss. The discouragement that has invaded my heart and mind these past few days begs my attention, so much so that I cannot think of anything else. Everytime I post on this blog, my intent is to be uplifting, but I find that it is hard to lift others up when you are so low yourself. I am trying to stay positive but it is SO hard for me to do after losing Jonah and Harper. Me and Aaron are tired, anxious, exhausted in many different ways and scared. I know a lot of this is just the Devil trying to invade and bring us down...and He is doing a pretty good job! So friends, please pray for us! Please pray for me and Aaron, and Kristi and Eric. While this journey is full of laughter (Aaron & Eric have loads of jokes!), it is nothing short of painful, physically and mentally, for all of us. So, please pray for us!